For most of my life I have been a Christian. I was baptized as a baby in the Catholic Church, had my first Holy Communion at age 7 and was confirmed in the faith at age 12. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I had my first Holy Communion. I took it very seriously. When I was studying for my confirmation I remember wanting to be a saint; just like Saint Bernadette, my patron saint. For years, I referred to myself as a "...soldier in the army of Christ...". That's what the Bishop told us during our confirmation service and it really stuck with me. I was so dedicated and serious about serving the Lord at such an early age.
At that time in my life, my mother was very involved with the "De Colores" movement in the Catholic Church. It was during the late 60s. All I knew then was that these people were super excited about Jesus and sharing their faith with everyone they met. I remember feeling so energized when I would hear my mom and her friends talking about their plans to further the kingdom of God. I remember how much I loved Jesus and wanted to be involved with whatever was going on in De Colores. Mom would take me with her knocking on doors; spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We never missed confession, Mass, the stations of the cross, etc. I was a good little Catholic girl! Later on, when I was in the 8th grade, I attended a Catholic school in Monteceito, CA. It was then that I decided I was going to be a nun. There was no doubt in my mind that this was God's will for my life. My PE teacher, Sister Mary Frances, was the coolest nun on the planet. She played guitar, rode a bicycle (just like the Flying Nun :) and played sports better than anyone I knew. Most importantly, she loved Jesus! She reminded me of the De Colores people; so excited about God. I wanted to be exactly like her.
But, it wasn't long after school started that year that several boys became interested in me; very cute boys too!! One of the cutest boys in the entire school, Phillip, asked me to go to the Christmas Dance with him. I went and we started "going steady" during the Spring Semester. Soon, although our relationship was very innocent, my focus on the Lord, my faith, and my desire to be a nun diminished. Sister Mary Frances talked to me about the change she noticed in me. Yes, my life had changed. Boys ruled!!! For the rest of my school years and early college years, my life revolved around BOYS!!! God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit...all whom I knew so intimately just years earlier, were the farthest thing from my mind. I was not at all living my life the way that God desired me to live it.
After my husband and I married we would attend church sometimes. My husband was raised Baptist so we went to the Baptist Church. I always thought that going to church was important. We just never got very involved. I could "talk the talk" pretty good for being raised a Catholic and never reading the Bible....but my heart and soul hadn't longed for the Lord in a long, long time. Not like when I was a young girl. I have to say that for most of my adult life my priorities were all wrong. Oh, there were times that I drew closer to God. Like when my parents were terminally ill, when Matthew would get into trouble or when he got very sick, when we lost jobs, or had marital trouble, etc. But, I never allowed HIM to stay around for very long. He was my God ONLY when it was convenient for me. You see, I never trusted Him enough to help me through my life, tough times and all. I was a control freak; always wanting to fix everything myself....my way and my timing.
Between '99 and '04, as my son dealt with the serious symptoms of Bi-Polar illness, I noticed that he began studying his Bible more and more. He was developing a close walk with God. He was totally and completely depending on God to get him through this illness. Matthew would tell me that when he was so sick and unable to think straight that he was always able to remember scripture verses that he had memorized earlier in his life. He told me once that the verse my mother always repeated to me and the one that I shared with Matthew all through his life, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.", got him through many of the particularly difficult times when he would have to be hospitalized. Matthew's focus had changed. God had 1st place in his life.
I soon began to realize that Matthew had that same intimacy with God that I once had. I could see the change. I was jealous. And, I remember wanting so much to have that feeling back. I saw Matthew endure some of the most difficult times in his life as he fought the crazy symptoms of Bi-Polar. It was so hard to see my only child suffering as he did. But, Matthew always had a positive attitude and a strength that could only come from God. He was an overcomer! He prayed and BELIEVED that God would heal him of this horrible illness and use him in a mighty way to further His Kingdom. He would always tell me the problem I had was that when I prayed, I didn't believe!! :) Matthew loved his Lord with all his heart, mind, soul and strength. He loved others as himself. Matthew just "GOT IT"!! He was so fortunate to have that close relationship with God, that intimacy with his Heavenly Father, for so many years before his death. I thank God for that!
Matthew would often call me, during his last year on this earth, and ask me, "Mom, what have you done for God today?" I rarely had a good answer for him. I may have invited someone at work to come to church with me or maybe I encouraged someone who was having trouble that day. But, I never really did much to further the Kingdom of God. Matthew would always encourage me to do better. For the last several years of his life Matthew LIVED FOR ETERNITY. The minute he opened his eyes every morning he committed his day to God and he would ask God to put people in his life that needed to hear about Jesus. He was never shy. If you knew Matthew, you know how he never met a stranger. He put others needs before his own. He loved Jesus! I wanted to be more like him.
So, long before Matthew was killed I was determined that my life would change. I prayed and asked God to forgive me for turning my back on Him and not putting Him first in my life. I let go of everything I was trying to control in my life. I began to STUDY my Bible. Yes, study, not just read it like I had always done before. Although I've always been considered unselfish and thoughtful of others, I began to purposely think of things that I could do for others. I wanted to live my life like I saw my son live his! I wanted that intimate relationship with God that I let go of a very long time ago. I prayed that God would keep that fire, that buring desire, within me to draw close to Him. I knew that He would.
The truth of the matter is that God never left me. His heart broke over and over again when I tried for so long to live my life without giving Him the place He so deserved. God promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us. Isaiah 42:16 says, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."
Matthew knew that his walk with God and his witness made a difference in my life. He knew that it made a difference in his dad's life as well. Several months before Matthew was killed his dad and I were able to tell him how the many talks he had with his dad on that bench in front of the studio about Jesus and "doing the right thing" had changed our lives and our futures forever. See, Mike had left me and filed for divorce in the summer of 2006. Matthew was devastated. He prayed for his dad's heart to change. He believed that God would bring his dad home and that our marriage would be reconciled. "See, Mom", Matthew told me, "God answered our prayers. I knew He would. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!" Matthew was thrilled. He didn't make it to see his best Christmas ever here on this earth. But, it was indeed Matthew's best Christmas ever. He spent it in eternity with his Heavenly Father!
I have never in my life experienced anything remotely close to the hurt and pain of losing a child. I don't know how people get through it without having God in their lives. I certainly wouldn't be able to cope with my son's death as well as I have had it not been for Matthew's example and encouragement. The minute we got the news of Matthew's death I felt that amazing peace; a comfort that is truly unexplainable. It felt as if God was wrapping His loving arms around me and assuring me that everything was going to be okay. I love God so much for that! He is amazing!
Every day, for the rest of my life, I thank God for sharing Matthew with us for those short 28 and 1/2years. I'm so thankful that I learned so much from my son. Matthew showed me once again what it meant to have an intimate relationship with God; with our FATHER in Heaven. Matthew made a difference in many lives. His life truly mattered!!
