I remember when my mom and I went into her bank after my daddy died and the president of the branch came over to give her a hug and tell her how sorry he was for her loss. He took us into his office and handled everything himself. He provided personal service with kindness and compassion. You would have thought she had hundreds of thousands of dollars in his bank. He approved a signature loan for her and didn't even check her credit!!! The year was 1988.
So, what has happened in the last 20 or so years?
We've been members of a local bank for many years and I go inside the branch to handle all of my transactions but I guarantee you that nobody knows my name. I don't know their names either. It seems like everytime I go to this branch there is someone new taking my money. And, I've never seen the branch president or vice president. I don't even know who the manager is.
The other day I wanted to get some information about a home equity loan. I was told that the branches no longer handle loans of any kind. I was given a toll free number to call. I called. After entering my account number and stating my name, zip code, etc, I entered 3 for loan services. I was connected to Sara. Sara proceeded to tell me that I had the wrong department and that I would need to call back and enter the correct number for loan services. I was sure that I entered it correctly the first time. And, of course, she was unable to connect me back to the voice response system. So, I called again. Went through the same rigamarole and, this time, I never made it to a live person. I was disconnected. I gave up.
I wondered where the call center was located; Texas, Montana, India?? For sure, I knew that if I had ever been successful in getting through to loan services they wouldn't know my name. They wouldn't care about how good of a customer we've been for the past 10 years. They wouldn't know, nor would they care, about the tragic loss of our son or about my recent job loss. They wouldn't know me and I wouldn't know them.
I'm not sure exactly when this lack of personal service started but I don't like it at all. I want to sit down with someone face to face to discuss our financial situation and our current needs. Someone who is familiar with our accounts and our good credit history would be ideal. I want them to know I'm more than just a bank account number or a credit score. I want them to be able to provide all the services we need, from a money order to a loan, right there in our branch. Is that just asking too much? Seriously, do they even have a branch manager, vice president or president on the premises? I'm going to ask next time I'm there.
In the meantime, while I sulk, I'll be searching for an old fashioned bank to give our business to. One with a personable, friendly and consistent staff and a manager whom we can shake hands with; maybe even hug one day when we get to know each other better. I know there has to be a bank like this somewhere out there. Hopefully closer than the small nearby towns like Lavon or Blue Ridge, 30 minutes away from our house. That would be a pain!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Trusting God with everything!
Do you find yourself praying for God's intervention in a situation and then you later take back from Him the very thing you asked Him to handle for you? I struggle with this at times. But, I'm so thankful that God continues to prove Himself over and over again to me in this area. He never loses His patience with me but lovingly reminds me of His power time and time again.
My dad was never in Alcoholics Anonymous but for some reason he loved that serenity prayer that is recited at every AA meeting. When he was sick and dying with brain cancer he would say it.....
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I think there is more to it than that but that's all daddy ever used to say. He was facing death but I had never seen him so strong. The doctors told him there was nothing else that could be done. He made his peace with God and a few of his loved ones here on earth and that was that. He trusted God. He wasn't stressing out looking for another doctor, a clinical trial or some other new drug. He just seemed okay with dying. I couldn't believe it.
I remember asking him why he wasn't afraid. He told me that he had been through war, in battle, and, after seeing that, nothing was scary to him. I don't know when daddy was ever in a real battle. He was stationed in North Africa at the end of WWII and he was a photographer. At least he was never in the trenches, on the front line. That's what I pictured when he told me he had been through war. Daddy was quite the joker!! But, it was obvious to me that he wasn't scared to die, no matter what he thought had prepared him for it.
That year, 1988, I witnessed exactly what it meant to trust God with everything. My daddy loved my mom, his kids and his grandkids. This was not what he expected...to die at age 64. I'm sure that he thought he would live into his 70s, for sure, maybe 80s. He wasn't mad at God. He remained positive about his treatment until the day he began to slip into a coma, two days after Christmas.
I was 31 years old and spent much of my time that year by his side. I was fortunate enough to be able to quit my job to help my mom take care of him and give her a break when she needed one. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. Seeing the strong faith of my mom throughout my dad's terminal illness really impressed me. I knew that if my mom and dad could deal with this tragedy without falling completely apart, I could handle anything.
In 1997 I watched my sweet, loving mom fight gall bladder cancer. It was horrible. She suffered much more than daddy did. Gall bladder, or any type of intestinal cancer, is extremely painful. Yet, through it all, mom stayed faithful. She was more vocal about her faith in God than daddy was. I remember one day she said to me, "Theresa, promise me, when I get too weak to lift my hands to praise the Lord, that you will lift them for me." I'll never forget that. How she loved her Lord.
Both mom and daddy fought their cancer; doing what the doctors said to do. I know that they prayed to God for guidance and they always put their lives in God's hands. When the time came and they knew there was nothing left to do, they had a peace about things that only comes from giving it all to God; trusting Him with it all!
During the past 19 months as I've dealt with Matthew's murder, I've so often thought of my mom and dad and the resolve they had about their circumstances. They knew that almighty God was totally in control. It wasn't ever an "Okay, I give up, God" thing (after trying over and over again to handle things; change things) but a PRO-ACTIVE "I give it all to you, God" thing. I've learned that there is a huge difference.
Trusting God means giving your problems to Him BEFORE you tire yourself out trying to handle them yourself. That's the important part of TRUSTING Him. Trusting that HE can and will handle your "stuff" for you. Trusting Him also means that we don't take it back once we've given it to Him. That we don't fret or worry about the "stuff" He's handling for us.
What a valuable lesson I learned from my parents about trusting God in every situation in life. Through every trial and every difficult circumstance in my life, I know for certain that God is in control. I can trust Him with everything!
My dad was never in Alcoholics Anonymous but for some reason he loved that serenity prayer that is recited at every AA meeting. When he was sick and dying with brain cancer he would say it.....
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I think there is more to it than that but that's all daddy ever used to say. He was facing death but I had never seen him so strong. The doctors told him there was nothing else that could be done. He made his peace with God and a few of his loved ones here on earth and that was that. He trusted God. He wasn't stressing out looking for another doctor, a clinical trial or some other new drug. He just seemed okay with dying. I couldn't believe it.
I remember asking him why he wasn't afraid. He told me that he had been through war, in battle, and, after seeing that, nothing was scary to him. I don't know when daddy was ever in a real battle. He was stationed in North Africa at the end of WWII and he was a photographer. At least he was never in the trenches, on the front line. That's what I pictured when he told me he had been through war. Daddy was quite the joker!! But, it was obvious to me that he wasn't scared to die, no matter what he thought had prepared him for it.
That year, 1988, I witnessed exactly what it meant to trust God with everything. My daddy loved my mom, his kids and his grandkids. This was not what he expected...to die at age 64. I'm sure that he thought he would live into his 70s, for sure, maybe 80s. He wasn't mad at God. He remained positive about his treatment until the day he began to slip into a coma, two days after Christmas.
I was 31 years old and spent much of my time that year by his side. I was fortunate enough to be able to quit my job to help my mom take care of him and give her a break when she needed one. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. Seeing the strong faith of my mom throughout my dad's terminal illness really impressed me. I knew that if my mom and dad could deal with this tragedy without falling completely apart, I could handle anything.
In 1997 I watched my sweet, loving mom fight gall bladder cancer. It was horrible. She suffered much more than daddy did. Gall bladder, or any type of intestinal cancer, is extremely painful. Yet, through it all, mom stayed faithful. She was more vocal about her faith in God than daddy was. I remember one day she said to me, "Theresa, promise me, when I get too weak to lift my hands to praise the Lord, that you will lift them for me." I'll never forget that. How she loved her Lord.
Both mom and daddy fought their cancer; doing what the doctors said to do. I know that they prayed to God for guidance and they always put their lives in God's hands. When the time came and they knew there was nothing left to do, they had a peace about things that only comes from giving it all to God; trusting Him with it all!
During the past 19 months as I've dealt with Matthew's murder, I've so often thought of my mom and dad and the resolve they had about their circumstances. They knew that almighty God was totally in control. It wasn't ever an "Okay, I give up, God" thing (after trying over and over again to handle things; change things) but a PRO-ACTIVE "I give it all to you, God" thing. I've learned that there is a huge difference.
Trusting God means giving your problems to Him BEFORE you tire yourself out trying to handle them yourself. That's the important part of TRUSTING Him. Trusting that HE can and will handle your "stuff" for you. Trusting Him also means that we don't take it back once we've given it to Him. That we don't fret or worry about the "stuff" He's handling for us.
What a valuable lesson I learned from my parents about trusting God in every situation in life. Through every trial and every difficult circumstance in my life, I know for certain that God is in control. I can trust Him with everything!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
A life that mattered
For most of my life I have been a Christian. I was baptized as a baby in the Catholic Church, had my first Holy Communion at age 7 and was confirmed in the faith at age 12. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I had my first Holy Communion. I took it very seriously. When I was studying for my confirmation I remember wanting to be a saint; just like Saint Bernadette, my patron saint. For years, I referred to myself as a "...soldier in the army of Christ...". That's what the Bishop told us during our confirmation service and it really stuck with me. I was so dedicated and serious about serving the Lord at such an early age.
At that time in my life, my mother was very involved with the "De Colores" movement in the Catholic Church. It was during the late 60s. All I knew then was that these people were super excited about Jesus and sharing their faith with everyone they met. I remember feeling so energized when I would hear my mom and her friends talking about their plans to further the kingdom of God. I remember how much I loved Jesus and wanted to be involved with whatever was going on in De Colores. Mom would take me with her knocking on doors; spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We never missed confession, Mass, the stations of the cross, etc. I was a good little Catholic girl! Later on, when I was in the 8th grade, I attended a Catholic school in Monteceito, CA. It was then that I decided I was going to be a nun. There was no doubt in my mind that this was God's will for my life. My PE teacher, Sister Mary Frances, was the coolest nun on the planet. She played guitar, rode a bicycle (just like the Flying Nun :) and played sports better than anyone I knew. Most importantly, she loved Jesus! She reminded me of the De Colores people; so excited about God. I wanted to be exactly like her.
But, it wasn't long after school started that year that several boys became interested in me; very cute boys too!! One of the cutest boys in the entire school, Phillip, asked me to go to the Christmas Dance with him. I went and we started "going steady" during the Spring Semester. Soon, although our relationship was very innocent, my focus on the Lord, my faith, and my desire to be a nun diminished. Sister Mary Frances talked to me about the change she noticed in me. Yes, my life had changed. Boys ruled!!! For the rest of my school years and early college years, my life revolved around BOYS!!! God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit...all whom I knew so intimately just years earlier, were the farthest thing from my mind. I was not at all living my life the way that God desired me to live it.
After my husband and I married we would attend church sometimes. My husband was raised Baptist so we went to the Baptist Church. I always thought that going to church was important. We just never got very involved. I could "talk the talk" pretty good for being raised a Catholic and never reading the Bible....but my heart and soul hadn't longed for the Lord in a long, long time. Not like when I was a young girl. I have to say that for most of my adult life my priorities were all wrong. Oh, there were times that I drew closer to God. Like when my parents were terminally ill, when Matthew would get into trouble or when he got very sick, when we lost jobs, or had marital trouble, etc. But, I never allowed HIM to stay around for very long. He was my God ONLY when it was convenient for me. You see, I never trusted Him enough to help me through my life, tough times and all. I was a control freak; always wanting to fix everything myself....my way and my timing.
Between '99 and '04, as my son dealt with the serious symptoms of Bi-Polar illness, I noticed that he began studying his Bible more and more. He was developing a close walk with God. He was totally and completely depending on God to get him through this illness. Matthew would tell me that when he was so sick and unable to think straight that he was always able to remember scripture verses that he had memorized earlier in his life. He told me once that the verse my mother always repeated to me and the one that I shared with Matthew all through his life, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.", got him through many of the particularly difficult times when he would have to be hospitalized. Matthew's focus had changed. God had 1st place in his life.
I soon began to realize that Matthew had that same intimacy with God that I once had. I could see the change. I was jealous. And, I remember wanting so much to have that feeling back. I saw Matthew endure some of the most difficult times in his life as he fought the crazy symptoms of Bi-Polar. It was so hard to see my only child suffering as he did. But, Matthew always had a positive attitude and a strength that could only come from God. He was an overcomer! He prayed and BELIEVED that God would heal him of this horrible illness and use him in a mighty way to further His Kingdom. He would always tell me the problem I had was that when I prayed, I didn't believe!! :) Matthew loved his Lord with all his heart, mind, soul and strength. He loved others as himself. Matthew just "GOT IT"!! He was so fortunate to have that close relationship with God, that intimacy with his Heavenly Father, for so many years before his death. I thank God for that!
Matthew would often call me, during his last year on this earth, and ask me, "Mom, what have you done for God today?" I rarely had a good answer for him. I may have invited someone at work to come to church with me or maybe I encouraged someone who was having trouble that day. But, I never really did much to further the Kingdom of God. Matthew would always encourage me to do better. For the last several years of his life Matthew LIVED FOR ETERNITY. The minute he opened his eyes every morning he committed his day to God and he would ask God to put people in his life that needed to hear about Jesus. He was never shy. If you knew Matthew, you know how he never met a stranger. He put others needs before his own. He loved Jesus! I wanted to be more like him.
So, long before Matthew was killed I was determined that my life would change. I prayed and asked God to forgive me for turning my back on Him and not putting Him first in my life. I let go of everything I was trying to control in my life. I began to STUDY my Bible. Yes, study, not just read it like I had always done before. Although I've always been considered unselfish and thoughtful of others, I began to purposely think of things that I could do for others. I wanted to live my life like I saw my son live his! I wanted that intimate relationship with God that I let go of a very long time ago. I prayed that God would keep that fire, that buring desire, within me to draw close to Him. I knew that He would.
The truth of the matter is that God never left me. His heart broke over and over again when I tried for so long to live my life without giving Him the place He so deserved. God promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us. Isaiah 42:16 says, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."
Matthew knew that his walk with God and his witness made a difference in my life. He knew that it made a difference in his dad's life as well. Several months before Matthew was killed his dad and I were able to tell him how the many talks he had with his dad on that bench in front of the studio about Jesus and "doing the right thing" had changed our lives and our futures forever. See, Mike had left me and filed for divorce in the summer of 2006. Matthew was devastated. He prayed for his dad's heart to change. He believed that God would bring his dad home and that our marriage would be reconciled. "See, Mom", Matthew told me, "God answered our prayers. I knew He would. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!" Matthew was thrilled. He didn't make it to see his best Christmas ever here on this earth. But, it was indeed Matthew's best Christmas ever. He spent it in eternity with his Heavenly Father!
I have never in my life experienced anything remotely close to the hurt and pain of losing a child. I don't know how people get through it without having God in their lives. I certainly wouldn't be able to cope with my son's death as well as I have had it not been for Matthew's example and encouragement. The minute we got the news of Matthew's death I felt that amazing peace; a comfort that is truly unexplainable. It felt as if God was wrapping His loving arms around me and assuring me that everything was going to be okay. I love God so much for that! He is amazing!
Every day, for the rest of my life, I thank God for sharing Matthew with us for those short 28 and 1/2years. I'm so thankful that I learned so much from my son. Matthew showed me once again what it meant to have an intimate relationship with God; with our FATHER in Heaven. Matthew made a difference in many lives. His life truly mattered!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
A new year
Today, I was reading all the well wishes and prayers posted on line; Prayers and wishes for prosperity, blessings, good luck, etc. in the new year.
Seriously, if you are reading this....you are soooo blessed already!! Every one of us who read these messages for prosperity and blessings have a roof over our heads and money to pay our utilities to keep us warm. We have a warm, cozy bed to sleep in every night. We more than likely have a car and money for gas and upkeep on that car. We have good food to put in our bellies every day. We have families, loved ones, friends who love us and care for us.
Do we really need to hope and pray for MORE??; more blessings, more money, more of anything???
This year, I pray that we may each wake up every morning thanking God for all the blessings that He has given us and, more importantly, that we share our faith in God and our many, many blessings with others in need.
Happy New Year!!!!
Seriously, if you are reading this....you are soooo blessed already!! Every one of us who read these messages for prosperity and blessings have a roof over our heads and money to pay our utilities to keep us warm. We have a warm, cozy bed to sleep in every night. We more than likely have a car and money for gas and upkeep on that car. We have good food to put in our bellies every day. We have families, loved ones, friends who love us and care for us.
Do we really need to hope and pray for MORE??; more blessings, more money, more of anything???
This year, I pray that we may each wake up every morning thanking God for all the blessings that He has given us and, more importantly, that we share our faith in God and our many, many blessings with others in need.
Happy New Year!!!!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Listen and amazing things will happen
People ask me how I can just talk to strangers like I do. I have always been an outgoing and friendly person, I guess. I don't think I've ever met a stranger in my entire life.
But, since my son's murder in June of '08, I have been a little more guarded. I don't trust people like I used to. I find it harder to strike up conversations with people that I don't know. It's different now. But.....
Something just happened last week while I was at the food counter at Costco trying to gather up enough change to pay for my $1.50 hot dog and soda. I was blessed by a couple of strangers!
It all started when this young man, about 11 years old, had ordered his churros, saw that I was digging for change to pay for my order and said to me, "Ma'am, I have some money if you need some. I'll have about $3.00 left after I pay for my order." I replied, "Oh, I have plenty of money, really. I just want to use up my change because my purse gets too heavy. But, that was sweet for you to offer to help me."
I'll have to admit, I was quite embarrassed that this little guy thought that I didn't have enough money to pay for my food. As we both stood there waiting for our order I began to think about how my son would have done the very same thing. Matthew would give away his last $1.00 if someone needed it. Many times Matthew would ask me for money and I would find out later he needed it because he had given a homeless person or someone with a car load of kids next to him at the gas station his last few dollars. I could tell that this little guy had the same generous heart as my son.
I started to talk to him while we were waiting. It's always fun to talk to little kids but these days you have to be careful. Kids are so brainwashed about "strangers". (Hmmm...I wonder if the next generation will even know how to be personable and friendly to people...everyone is a stranger!! But, he seemed to be a friendly kid and obviously had no fear of strangers.)
So, we talked about how old he was and what grade he was in. I reiterated to him how very sweet he was to offer to give me money to pay for my food. Then I asked him, Moses was his name, if he went to church. He said, "Yes, we go to Firewheel Church". We talked about church for a while. Matthew, Jamie, the kids and I had visited Firewheel Church a couple of times so I told him I liked his church. I told him how my son had a kind, generous heart and he reminded me of Matthew. I told him that my son went to be with Jesus last year and that he was only 28. He looked sad and told me he was sorry!
We got our food and said our goodbye's and that was that. Or, so I thought!!!
I stopped at the customer service counter to ask a question about an item that was on sale and Moses and his mom came over and stood beside me. She needed to ask a question too. Whew, I was glad that she wasn't coming up to me to tell me off for sharing about Matthew with her son. But, when we talked, it was quite the opposite. She told me how very sorry she was about my son.
We talked for a minute at the counter. I told her that I had visited her church and I liked it but that we were going to First Baptist Dallas, where my son was a member before he died. She was a very nice lady but I sensed some hurt and pain in her voice. I could just tell that her spirit was sad. I didn't know why. But, I walked away after our brief conversation thinking that I would pray for her and her son, Moses. Moses reminded me so much of Matthew with his kind and generous spirit!!!
I didn't even get to the edge of the loading zone before I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to share a little bit of my story with this woman. And, although I was in a huge hurry, I turned around and told her that I needed to tell her something!! I shared the story about Matthew calling me one night several months before he was murdered; asking me to give him a ride home from the studio. He did not have the car and the kids were asleep so he didn't want Jamie to have to wake them up, load them in the car to go pick him up. I wasn't happy about having to do this; I was just getting ready to hop into bed. But, what Matthew shared with me that night as we sat in the car in the dark parking lot in front of the studio, I will never forget. As I was scolding Matthew for waiting outside in the dark at midnight he was reassuring me that he would be okay and that I shouldn't worry about him. He told me that he wasn't a kid and, in actuality, he never was really our kid...he was God's child and God just LOANED him to his dad and me!! Matthew told me that I need to let go of him; he was, after all, 28 years old with a family and a business of his own. He leaned over to give me a hug and told me to always remember that if anything ever happened to him, he would just be back in his Heavenly Father's arms...the best place to be!!!
As the tears flowed down this sweet woman's face, she began to share with me about her two daughters, both under 21, and her 16 year old son, who were all walking down the path of destruction. They were drinking, partying, leaving home for days at a time, being so very disrespectful and abusive to her, etc. She was so worried about them and so very heartbroken. I told her that I could most certainly relate. I shared some of Matthew's struggles with her and told her to let go of them, give her children to God (they were HIS after all) and to pray for them! Above all, I told her, do not worry about them. Worrying does not change anything. God can and will change their paths!! HE IS AMAZING!!!
You see, Matthew struggled through some of these very same things as a teenager and even into his early adult years. Matthew was always very impulsive and a risk taker when he was younger. He had been diagnosed with ADD when he was 8 years old. By the time he was in the 10th grade he had given up on school. He was staying home working on a home school program but that never worked out for him. He was not self disciplined enough or driven enough to get the work done. He went back to school in the spring semester of the 10th grade. A private school in Dallas for kids with learning differences. He loved it. However, he got involved with some wealthy kids who had the money and the access to drugs; cocaine, marijuana, acid, etc. And, unbeknownst to us, Matthew began using cocaine. His moods were unstable but we believed this to be symptoms of his ADD. Looking back.....well, hindsight is 20/20!!
Matthew was involved in the music program at his school and played John Travolta in "Greasin' Up The 50s" and sang several other solos in programs throughout the years. He loved to sing! He struggled through school with his mood swings; fighting against the effects of the drugs he was putting into his system. He made it through and graduated in '99. I believe, had it not been for this school, his involvement in music and, especially, his music teacher, that he would have continued down that very same road to destruction that this woman's kids were now on.
Sorry, enough about Matthew. Let me get back to my story!!
Wiping the tears from her face, this woman told me how much she appreciated me taking the time to tell her my story. I encouraged her to give her children to God, pray for them and try as hard as she could to not worry about them. I told her that she was not going to be able to change them but that God could and would. I stressed to her that she should be firm with them; enforce strict house rules and let them know that things would be changing and the rules would be followed in her home. She told me how tough that was to do. Boy, did I ever know how true that statement was!! But, I told her she had to do it for her kids sake. She agreed.
As we said goodbye and shared our information so that we could keep in contact, she told me that I would never know how much she really needed to hear what I had to say!! She said she was so sorry for my loss but that I had encouraged her so much with my story; what Matthew shared with me that night in the very same parking spot where he would later take his last breath on this earth!! Well, what she didn't realize was, that night, Moses was an angel sent from Heaven above to bless me; to warm my heart!! I had been missing Matthew so much that day!!
I know that God uses me!! He uses and will continue to use my stories and my ability to strike up conversations with complete strangers to bless and encourage others!! But, it's me who is so often blessed beyond belief whenever a "Christ-incidence" like this one happens in my life.
I want to encourage everyone to stop and listen to that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit of God, share your story, your faith and the love of Jesus with someone when you know the time is right. Our God is alive!!! He cares!! He puts people directly in our paths for a reason. So, listen...be friendly...be bold.....and prepare to be blessed!!!
But, since my son's murder in June of '08, I have been a little more guarded. I don't trust people like I used to. I find it harder to strike up conversations with people that I don't know. It's different now. But.....
Something just happened last week while I was at the food counter at Costco trying to gather up enough change to pay for my $1.50 hot dog and soda. I was blessed by a couple of strangers!
It all started when this young man, about 11 years old, had ordered his churros, saw that I was digging for change to pay for my order and said to me, "Ma'am, I have some money if you need some. I'll have about $3.00 left after I pay for my order." I replied, "Oh, I have plenty of money, really. I just want to use up my change because my purse gets too heavy. But, that was sweet for you to offer to help me."
I'll have to admit, I was quite embarrassed that this little guy thought that I didn't have enough money to pay for my food. As we both stood there waiting for our order I began to think about how my son would have done the very same thing. Matthew would give away his last $1.00 if someone needed it. Many times Matthew would ask me for money and I would find out later he needed it because he had given a homeless person or someone with a car load of kids next to him at the gas station his last few dollars. I could tell that this little guy had the same generous heart as my son.
I started to talk to him while we were waiting. It's always fun to talk to little kids but these days you have to be careful. Kids are so brainwashed about "strangers". (Hmmm...I wonder if the next generation will even know how to be personable and friendly to people...everyone is a stranger!! But, he seemed to be a friendly kid and obviously had no fear of strangers.)
So, we talked about how old he was and what grade he was in. I reiterated to him how very sweet he was to offer to give me money to pay for my food. Then I asked him, Moses was his name, if he went to church. He said, "Yes, we go to Firewheel Church". We talked about church for a while. Matthew, Jamie, the kids and I had visited Firewheel Church a couple of times so I told him I liked his church. I told him how my son had a kind, generous heart and he reminded me of Matthew. I told him that my son went to be with Jesus last year and that he was only 28. He looked sad and told me he was sorry!
We got our food and said our goodbye's and that was that. Or, so I thought!!!
I stopped at the customer service counter to ask a question about an item that was on sale and Moses and his mom came over and stood beside me. She needed to ask a question too. Whew, I was glad that she wasn't coming up to me to tell me off for sharing about Matthew with her son. But, when we talked, it was quite the opposite. She told me how very sorry she was about my son.
We talked for a minute at the counter. I told her that I had visited her church and I liked it but that we were going to First Baptist Dallas, where my son was a member before he died. She was a very nice lady but I sensed some hurt and pain in her voice. I could just tell that her spirit was sad. I didn't know why. But, I walked away after our brief conversation thinking that I would pray for her and her son, Moses. Moses reminded me so much of Matthew with his kind and generous spirit!!!
I didn't even get to the edge of the loading zone before I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to share a little bit of my story with this woman. And, although I was in a huge hurry, I turned around and told her that I needed to tell her something!! I shared the story about Matthew calling me one night several months before he was murdered; asking me to give him a ride home from the studio. He did not have the car and the kids were asleep so he didn't want Jamie to have to wake them up, load them in the car to go pick him up. I wasn't happy about having to do this; I was just getting ready to hop into bed. But, what Matthew shared with me that night as we sat in the car in the dark parking lot in front of the studio, I will never forget. As I was scolding Matthew for waiting outside in the dark at midnight he was reassuring me that he would be okay and that I shouldn't worry about him. He told me that he wasn't a kid and, in actuality, he never was really our kid...he was God's child and God just LOANED him to his dad and me!! Matthew told me that I need to let go of him; he was, after all, 28 years old with a family and a business of his own. He leaned over to give me a hug and told me to always remember that if anything ever happened to him, he would just be back in his Heavenly Father's arms...the best place to be!!!
As the tears flowed down this sweet woman's face, she began to share with me about her two daughters, both under 21, and her 16 year old son, who were all walking down the path of destruction. They were drinking, partying, leaving home for days at a time, being so very disrespectful and abusive to her, etc. She was so worried about them and so very heartbroken. I told her that I could most certainly relate. I shared some of Matthew's struggles with her and told her to let go of them, give her children to God (they were HIS after all) and to pray for them! Above all, I told her, do not worry about them. Worrying does not change anything. God can and will change their paths!! HE IS AMAZING!!!
You see, Matthew struggled through some of these very same things as a teenager and even into his early adult years. Matthew was always very impulsive and a risk taker when he was younger. He had been diagnosed with ADD when he was 8 years old. By the time he was in the 10th grade he had given up on school. He was staying home working on a home school program but that never worked out for him. He was not self disciplined enough or driven enough to get the work done. He went back to school in the spring semester of the 10th grade. A private school in Dallas for kids with learning differences. He loved it. However, he got involved with some wealthy kids who had the money and the access to drugs; cocaine, marijuana, acid, etc. And, unbeknownst to us, Matthew began using cocaine. His moods were unstable but we believed this to be symptoms of his ADD. Looking back.....well, hindsight is 20/20!!
Matthew was involved in the music program at his school and played John Travolta in "Greasin' Up The 50s" and sang several other solos in programs throughout the years. He loved to sing! He struggled through school with his mood swings; fighting against the effects of the drugs he was putting into his system. He made it through and graduated in '99. I believe, had it not been for this school, his involvement in music and, especially, his music teacher, that he would have continued down that very same road to destruction that this woman's kids were now on.
Sorry, enough about Matthew. Let me get back to my story!!
Wiping the tears from her face, this woman told me how much she appreciated me taking the time to tell her my story. I encouraged her to give her children to God, pray for them and try as hard as she could to not worry about them. I told her that she was not going to be able to change them but that God could and would. I stressed to her that she should be firm with them; enforce strict house rules and let them know that things would be changing and the rules would be followed in her home. She told me how tough that was to do. Boy, did I ever know how true that statement was!! But, I told her she had to do it for her kids sake. She agreed.
As we said goodbye and shared our information so that we could keep in contact, she told me that I would never know how much she really needed to hear what I had to say!! She said she was so sorry for my loss but that I had encouraged her so much with my story; what Matthew shared with me that night in the very same parking spot where he would later take his last breath on this earth!! Well, what she didn't realize was, that night, Moses was an angel sent from Heaven above to bless me; to warm my heart!! I had been missing Matthew so much that day!!
I know that God uses me!! He uses and will continue to use my stories and my ability to strike up conversations with complete strangers to bless and encourage others!! But, it's me who is so often blessed beyond belief whenever a "Christ-incidence" like this one happens in my life.
I want to encourage everyone to stop and listen to that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit of God, share your story, your faith and the love of Jesus with someone when you know the time is right. Our God is alive!!! He cares!! He puts people directly in our paths for a reason. So, listen...be friendly...be bold.....and prepare to be blessed!!!
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