Finder's Keeper's

Little Matthew, McKayla and I were having dinner one night last week at Salis Pizza near our house. The owner knew my Matthew from the time he was a kid and I wanted to show off Matthew's beautiful kids.

As we were leaving, McKayla found a cheap little dolly hat in front of the restaurant. I didn't think a thing about it when she asked me if she could have it. I didn't think anyone would come looking for it. We put it in my purse.

When we got home, she asked me to get it out of my purse. Little Matthew immediately says, "Ummmmmmmm...you shouldn't take things Ninaw." I told him that it was on the ground and I didn't know who it belonged to. "Somebody, I don't know who, lost it and I'm sure they won't be looking for it." He insisted that it was wrong that I allowed McKayla to take that dolly hat. I said, "Matthew, I guess you are right. Ninaw just thought since we found it on the floor and nobody was around it was ok. I didn't think about someone coming back to get it." He gives me this look like he was so very disappointed in me and McKayla. Then he tells me, "Ninaw, the Bible says taking things is wrong. The Bible does not say FINDER's KEEPER's, LOSER's WEEPER's!!!!"

Yep, he's just 4 years old!! I told him he was right and that I would take it to the restaurant and leave it there in the lost and found, if they had one. I haven't taken it back yet, but I am going to this week. :)

I have been feeling really guilty ever since that day last week. I've been thinking a lot about how my little granson felt the need to tell me what the Bible says about what I did. He is something else!!!

And, he's 100% right! It doesn't matter that I thought the dolly hat was cheap and of no real value. It wasn't ours to take. It could have been some little girl's only dolly hat. Her mommy and daddy or grandma and grandpa may have come back for it that night, only to be told that nobody had turned in a dolly hat.

*sigh* I should be ashamed of myself. I'm taking that dolly hat to Salis first thing tomorrow!

Two years now

Saturday, June 19, 2010 marked the two year anniversary of our precious son's murder. During the past two years, I have often wondered if the pain would really get any better. Everyone assures me that it does get better. Well, it hasn't yet, and I don't believe it ever will until Demarius Cummings gets his just punishment!!

The hole in my heart scabbed over a bit during the first year. The punishment of James Broadnax in August of 2009 helped. But, for the past two years, everytime I think about Demarius Cummings, the other killer, not being tried for killing my son and Steve, someone might as well be scratching that scab right off of my wounded heart.

For me, healing the incredibly painful wound in my heart can not possibly begin until justice is served for Demarius Cummings. Cummings has to be tried and punished for his part in the evil, senseless and heartless acts of violence that night. Broadnax and Cummings took a huge piece of my heart on June 19, 2008.

My amazing son, Matthew, who was so very passionate about life, loving God and loving and helping others, ceased to exist on this earth that night. My sweet, precious little guy, whom I gave birth to and cared for all of his life, took his last breath about 1am while bleeding to death on the hard concrete parking lot in front of his recording studio...the studio he dreamed about for most of his adult life. The dreams he had...shattered. His sweet wife and their two little babies...vanished from his eyes. The family that he loved so much...separated from. Because TWO, not ONE, scum of the earth, low-life thieves decided that killing two wonderful men, men of God, men who cared enough to even stop and talk to them, was their only solution to obtaining a "ride" back to their rat hole apartment in the Junction in East Dallas.

As Cummings said during his jailhouse interview, "...I didn't know he was gonna' shoot 'em; You nahemsane....well, I take that back...I tole him he might has to pop 'em a few times...". It was THEIR grand plan to steal Steve's car by asking Steve for a cigarette to distract him. They BOTH planned to shoot Steve and Matthew a few times, at close range, so they could get the car keys and steal their wallets. Broadnax just took it a little farther when he continued shooting them so that he could, as he said during his jailhouse interview, "....make sure dey was dead.." But, Cummings PLANNED to rob and shoot both Matthew and Steve. Cummings is just as guilty. You may be asking why Cummings is still sitting in our Dallas County Jail, two years after the murders, having visitors, watching TV, enjoying his commissary items, playing basketball, getting phone calls, etc! Good question!!


Maybe Craig Watkins could answer that question since he's the one that told us the DAs office didn't have the money to take this murdering thief to trial. Maybe he could give us a good answer...that is, IF we could get him, or anyone else in the Dallas County DAs office to return our phone calls or our email.

I'm waiting patiently for my wounded heart to heal a bit more. Broadnax, although he is on death row, still exists...for now. But, at least I know he will never get out of jail to hurt anyone else. I feel a peace about that. Cummings will most likely NOT ever be given the death penalty if/when he does face trial. But, that's for a jury to decide. We should have the right to insist on a jury trial for Cummings. It is very disturbing to me that he has yet to be tried and punished. It's been TWO YEARS NOW!!! Could he possibly be one of the violent offenders that Mr. Watkins chooses to grant early release to one day in the future? Maybe...it could happen!! Craig Watkins has no problem granting early release to violent criminals to reduce overcrowding in our jails. And, that scares me.

By the way, Cummings is not the gentle, innocent boy that he portrayed himself to be during his jailhouse interview. He had been in trouble before; been violent before. Remember, it was his idea to, "...take the train to Garland to rob some rich, white folks...." that night. He planned for his cousin to do his dirty work though so he could say, "...I want folks to know I didn't kill anyone..."

Well, TO HELL WITH YOU, DEMARIUS CUMMINGS!!! I am 100% sure that Matthew and Steve would be alive today had you not made your suggestion to your idiot cousin (as you walked away from Matthew and Steve that night), "....it's a long damn walk home to the Junction...this could be our chance to get us a ride....you might has to pop 'em a few times...." I SAY, TO HELL WITH YOU, CUMMINGS!!! Okay, if not hell, then you need to be given life in prison without the possibility of parole....EVER!!!!

I ask you, when will Demarius Cummings get his punishment, Mr. Watkins? I would like to finally be able to know what it feels like to "GET BETTER".

Mother's Day 2010 *sigh*

For weeks now, I've been dreading this coming Sunday, Mother's Day. I guess the loss of Matthew was too new last year, on Mother's Day, for me to really FEEL the emptiness I'm feeling now. I was still in the shock stage of grief.

I'm a mother to no one now. Well, I will always be known as "Matthew's mother"; I get that. However, there is no one left in this world that will ever hug me and tell me "I love you MOM!!", or give me a card wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day". And, that sucks!! It sucks to even go to the grocery store and walk past the card aisle. It sucks to turn on the TV and hear all the ads for Mother's Day sales, Mother's Day flowers bouquets, etc.

You know, I was told, after Matthew died, that the second year after a death of a loved one, especially a child, is more difficult to get through than the first year. I know exactly what that means now. The reality is hitting hard that this is what life will be for the rest of my life. That sucks too!!

Remember, always, that your children are a gift from God and DO NOT EVER take them for granted. Spend lots and lots of time with them. Smother them with affection. Life is so short and many times....just downright unfair. It is a nightmare to have your child die before you. That's just not the way it's supposed to happen. But, we will never know the future. So, hang on tight to your kiddos and shower them with all the love you have to give. Love them just as God loves you!!

Please remember to say a special prayer this Mother's Day for all the great moms who have lost children. There are many, many moms who will be spending some time this special Mother's Day sobbing and clinging tightly to an urn filled with the ashes of their precious child or standing and weeping over their only son's grave. Yep....it pretty much sucks that I'll be one of them.

Another "Christ Incidence"

My son, Matthew, and I were very close. He was the sweetest little boy a mother could hope for. Matthew was friendly, personable, generous and always thought of others first...even when he was very young.

I remember one day, I guess Matthew was about 9 years old, when his best friend's mom called and asked if she could stop by. She said she needed to talk to me about something Matthew had done. Not the kind of phone call a mother wants to get. Of course, I immediately thought Matthew had hurt her son, or broke one of his toys or something. After all, Matthew was a normal little guy and far from perfect. The ten minutes it took her to get to my house seemed more like an hour. I was giving Matthew the third degree trying to find out what he had possibly done to her little boy. Matthew was a nervous wreck. So was I!!

As she walked up the walkway to the front porch, I noticed a familiar bag in her hand. It was an ammo bag from my husband's Civil War collection. Oh no, I thought, Matthew gave this little boy his dad's old civil war ammunition?? Why would he do that??

I answered the door and invited my friend to have a seat in the living room. Matthew was in his room with the door tightly closed. I am sure that he peeked out the window as she walked up the walkway and he knew exactly what this little meeting was about.

Earlier that day, Matthew's friend had taken the bag to his mom to show her what Matthew had given "them". You see, her husband had just left her and she lost her job. She was struggling financially and her son had shared some of their struggles with my son. In the bag....rolls of quarters, taken from our closet; $50.00 worth of quarters. Not much. I didn't know what to say. It was a very uncomfortable situation. How could I take that money back from her? But, how could I offer it to her without offending her?

I remember, so clearly, the anger I felt upon finding out that Matthew had stolen from us. But, that feeling quickly diminished. He was wrong to take that money without asking us first but how could I be so angry with him for being so generous and compassionate and wanting to help his friend's family?

Matthew was a bit spoiled. I admit it. He was used to having his needs and many of his "wants" met. But, I believe that when a child grows up seeing generousity, he will become more generous. Matthew had such a loving and giving heart!! He often gave his toys away. However, this was the first time he had ever given something away that didn't belong to him. I knew that I had to deal with that.

Matthew's little friend's mom thought the gesture was so sweet and asked that I not be too hard on Matthew. She shared a little bit of her struggles with me and I told her she was more than welcome to keep the money. She refused. Her parents were sending her some money, she said.

The minute the front door closed Matthew's bedroom door slowly opened. I will never forget the look on his face as he walked down the hallway toward the living room. He was scared but was ready to admit what he had done. We sat down on the sofa and I gave him a hug. I told him how wrong it was to take something that wasn't yours to take. We talked about trust. We talked about forgiveness. Matthew said he was sorry but he was much more concerned with his friend's mom's situation. He asked why I didn't give her any money to help her. He was genuinely concerned about this family. Although it wasn't a good thing that he took the quarters from us, I was actually very thankful for this situation. That day, I saw, in my little boy, the most compassionate and generous soul.

I never had to have another talk with Matthew about trust. He never took anything from us again without asking. Even as a teenager, he never helped himself to money in my wallet or money that was sitting around the house. Matthew did, however, continue to get pretty much anything he wanted. But, as spoiled as he might have been, until the day he died, he would so often give away his "stuff" because he wanted to make others happy; bring joy to their lives and put smiles on their faces. During the last few years of his life, he gave so much of his time and of the little money that he had to those in need.

After Matthew's death, I heard from one of his friends that Matthew gave him the last $10.00 in his wallet so he could get some gas to make it home from the studio one night. And, just the other day, a complete stranger walked up to me in the Home Depot parking lot and told me that he used to work for Matthew and how Matthew gave, so generously, of his time to help him get started in the music business. Matthew had given him an internship at the studio months before he was murdered. He was going to teach him all that he knew about audio engineering. This young man told me that Matthew was the kindest, most generous guy he had ever met in his life. He also told me that what he loved the most about my son was that you didn't have to talk to him for long to know how much he loved Jesus. I thanked him so much for taking the time to share his feelings about my son with me.

Nothing makes me more proud than when I hear these stories, even years after Matthew's death; stories of Matthew's generousity, his kindness and concern for others. I am a very proud mom. I drove away from Home Depot with a smile on my face and a thankful heart for another one of these "Christ Incidences".

Almost 2 years...running my race...

The 19th of this month, 22 months ago, my sweet son, Matthew Garrett Butler, Sr. and his friend, Steve Swan were murdered during a random robbery as they left Matthew's recording studio. The killers, who were captured in Texarkana a couple of days later, said they rode the train to Garland to rob some rich white folks. They got $2.00 from Steve's wallet and stole his very old car. The police knocked on our door around 2:30am; they believe the boys were shot around 12:30am. Our lives forever changed that morning. Never did I think that anything could hurt so much. Each and every day my heart breaks for my son and his little family. His two babies, Matthew Jr. and McKayla, don't really remember much about their daddy Matthew. They were only 2 and 1/2 and 1 and 1/2 when he was killed. They do surprise me sometimes when they say things, out of the blue, about him. They are the joys of our lives now. Nothing will ever replace our son, our only child, but having these two little angels in our lives definitely makes life easier to bear.

People continue to ask me how I get out of bed every morning. They say that they can't imagine losing a child. They think that they would not be able to continue on with life. Many days I don't feel like getting up and continuing on with my life but I know that I have to. I know that God has a plan for my life and that Matthew would not want me to stop running the race that God has set before me. I have been knocked down but not defeated. I will never stop running!!

The last few years of Matthew's life, often when we talked, he would ask me, "Mom, what have you done for God today?" Since he's been gone, I ask myself that question each and every night before I close my eyes. Not to boast; only to be aware that I am here on this earth for a reason. I'm not here to make myself happy, gather up a bunch of material stuff, be a good person, etc. I'm here to be a witness...to demonstrate to others what being a follower of Christ really is and to lead others to Christ.

Matthew did just that. He lived for eternity. He made a difference in this world. He was a bold witness for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. So many people have reached out to me through email, Facebook, myspace, etc. They tell me how Matthew made an impact on their life. It's difficult to accept that God's plan was for Matthew to live only 28 and 1/2 years but I know that it's true. God knew exactly that Matthew would come home to be with him that morning. He knew it way before Matthew was born. It's hard to understand but I believe it.

For weeks before Matthew was killed, every morning, Jamie told me that he read Psalms 23 to her. Sometimes he would say it in his own words; sometimes he would cry when he read it. He wrote a long list to Jamie...a list of "to-do's"; a how to live your life list, just a few weeks before he died. The day that he was killed, earlier that evening, he told Jamie that he was ready to go home to be with the Lord; that this life was tough and he missed his Oma and Opa.

People ask me if I thought that Matthew knew he was going to die that morning. No, I don't think so. I think that Matthew knew his time on this earth was short. He said that many times. It was like his heart longed for eternity the last few years of his life. He grew so close to his Heavenly Father and I think he just longed to be with Him. He loved Jesus and was such an example to everyone who knew him.

Mike and I count our blessings every day that we got to have Matthew for 28 and 1/2 years. We hear, all the time, about little children who never got a chance to live their lives. Just the other day, a 6 year old little boy was found dead near Lake Lavon. Nobody even reported him missing and I don't think anyone has claimed him yet. You don't have to surf the cable channels for very long to see crime TV shows about little children who are missing and believed to be dead; murdered. So, although Matthew died very young, he was able to live a good life. He was living his dream...the studio, a wife, two precious little ones and a faith so strong that he couldn't stand to keep it to himself. He wanted everyone he met to know this Jesus that changed his life and made it possible for him to live for eternity. Sharing the Gospel was his passion!

Yes, my life will never be the same because of the two creeps who decided they would make a trip to Garland to rob some rich white folks on June 19, 2008. No, it's not fair and I still cry every day; I still wonder why God would have allowed this to happen. I still get mad at God sometimes, but I know He understands. After all, He had to watch His son suffer tremendously and die a horrible death. But, oh, for a great reason!!!

One day, because of Christ Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, I will see my son again. I'll step from this earth into eternity with my Heavenly Father, my mom and dad, other loved ones that have gone before me and my beautiful, precious, loving son. What a day of rejoicing that will be!!!!