For weeks now, I've been dreading this coming Sunday, Mother's Day. I guess the loss of Matthew was too new last year, on Mother's Day, for me to really FEEL the emptiness I'm feeling now. I was still in the shock stage of grief.
I'm a mother to no one now. Well, I will always be known as "Matthew's mother"; I get that. However, there is no one left in this world that will ever hug me and tell me "I love you MOM!!", or give me a card wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day". And, that sucks!! It sucks to even go to the grocery store and walk past the card aisle. It sucks to turn on the TV and hear all the ads for Mother's Day sales, Mother's Day flowers bouquets, etc.
You know, I was told, after Matthew died, that the second year after a death of a loved one, especially a child, is more difficult to get through than the first year. I know exactly what that means now. The reality is hitting hard that this is what life will be for the rest of my life. That sucks too!!
Remember, always, that your children are a gift from God and DO NOT EVER take them for granted. Spend lots and lots of time with them. Smother them with affection. Life is so short and many times....just downright unfair. It is a nightmare to have your child die before you. That's just not the way it's supposed to happen. But, we will never know the future. So, hang on tight to your kiddos and shower them with all the love you have to give. Love them just as God loves you!!
Please remember to say a special prayer this Mother's Day for all the great moms who have lost children. There are many, many moms who will be spending some time this special Mother's Day sobbing and clinging tightly to an urn filled with the ashes of their precious child or standing and weeping over their only son's grave. Yep....it pretty much sucks that I'll be one of them.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Another "Christ Incidence"
My son, Matthew, and I were very close. He was the sweetest little boy a mother could hope for. Matthew was friendly, personable, generous and always thought of others first...even when he was very young.
I remember one day, I guess Matthew was about 9 years old, when his best friend's mom called and asked if she could stop by. She said she needed to talk to me about something Matthew had done. Not the kind of phone call a mother wants to get. Of course, I immediately thought Matthew had hurt her son, or broke one of his toys or something. After all, Matthew was a normal little guy and far from perfect. The ten minutes it took her to get to my house seemed more like an hour. I was giving Matthew the third degree trying to find out what he had possibly done to her little boy. Matthew was a nervous wreck. So was I!!
As she walked up the walkway to the front porch, I noticed a familiar bag in her hand. It was an ammo bag from my husband's Civil War collection. Oh no, I thought, Matthew gave this little boy his dad's old civil war ammunition?? Why would he do that??
I answered the door and invited my friend to have a seat in the living room. Matthew was in his room with the door tightly closed. I am sure that he peeked out the window as she walked up the walkway and he knew exactly what this little meeting was about.
Earlier that day, Matthew's friend had taken the bag to his mom to show her what Matthew had given "them". You see, her husband had just left her and she lost her job. She was struggling financially and her son had shared some of their struggles with my son. In the bag....rolls of quarters, taken from our closet; $50.00 worth of quarters. Not much. I didn't know what to say. It was a very uncomfortable situation. How could I take that money back from her? But, how could I offer it to her without offending her?
I remember, so clearly, the anger I felt upon finding out that Matthew had stolen from us. But, that feeling quickly diminished. He was wrong to take that money without asking us first but how could I be so angry with him for being so generous and compassionate and wanting to help his friend's family?
Matthew was a bit spoiled. I admit it. He was used to having his needs and many of his "wants" met. But, I believe that when a child grows up seeing generousity, he will become more generous. Matthew had such a loving and giving heart!! He often gave his toys away. However, this was the first time he had ever given something away that didn't belong to him. I knew that I had to deal with that.
Matthew's little friend's mom thought the gesture was so sweet and asked that I not be too hard on Matthew. She shared a little bit of her struggles with me and I told her she was more than welcome to keep the money. She refused. Her parents were sending her some money, she said.
The minute the front door closed Matthew's bedroom door slowly opened. I will never forget the look on his face as he walked down the hallway toward the living room. He was scared but was ready to admit what he had done. We sat down on the sofa and I gave him a hug. I told him how wrong it was to take something that wasn't yours to take. We talked about trust. We talked about forgiveness. Matthew said he was sorry but he was much more concerned with his friend's mom's situation. He asked why I didn't give her any money to help her. He was genuinely concerned about this family. Although it wasn't a good thing that he took the quarters from us, I was actually very thankful for this situation. That day, I saw, in my little boy, the most compassionate and generous soul.
I never had to have another talk with Matthew about trust. He never took anything from us again without asking. Even as a teenager, he never helped himself to money in my wallet or money that was sitting around the house. Matthew did, however, continue to get pretty much anything he wanted. But, as spoiled as he might have been, until the day he died, he would so often give away his "stuff" because he wanted to make others happy; bring joy to their lives and put smiles on their faces. During the last few years of his life, he gave so much of his time and of the little money that he had to those in need.
After Matthew's death, I heard from one of his friends that Matthew gave him the last $10.00 in his wallet so he could get some gas to make it home from the studio one night. And, just the other day, a complete stranger walked up to me in the Home Depot parking lot and told me that he used to work for Matthew and how Matthew gave, so generously, of his time to help him get started in the music business. Matthew had given him an internship at the studio months before he was murdered. He was going to teach him all that he knew about audio engineering. This young man told me that Matthew was the kindest, most generous guy he had ever met in his life. He also told me that what he loved the most about my son was that you didn't have to talk to him for long to know how much he loved Jesus. I thanked him so much for taking the time to share his feelings about my son with me.
Nothing makes me more proud than when I hear these stories, even years after Matthew's death; stories of Matthew's generousity, his kindness and concern for others. I am a very proud mom. I drove away from Home Depot with a smile on my face and a thankful heart for another one of these "Christ Incidences".
I remember one day, I guess Matthew was about 9 years old, when his best friend's mom called and asked if she could stop by. She said she needed to talk to me about something Matthew had done. Not the kind of phone call a mother wants to get. Of course, I immediately thought Matthew had hurt her son, or broke one of his toys or something. After all, Matthew was a normal little guy and far from perfect. The ten minutes it took her to get to my house seemed more like an hour. I was giving Matthew the third degree trying to find out what he had possibly done to her little boy. Matthew was a nervous wreck. So was I!!
As she walked up the walkway to the front porch, I noticed a familiar bag in her hand. It was an ammo bag from my husband's Civil War collection. Oh no, I thought, Matthew gave this little boy his dad's old civil war ammunition?? Why would he do that??
I answered the door and invited my friend to have a seat in the living room. Matthew was in his room with the door tightly closed. I am sure that he peeked out the window as she walked up the walkway and he knew exactly what this little meeting was about.
Earlier that day, Matthew's friend had taken the bag to his mom to show her what Matthew had given "them". You see, her husband had just left her and she lost her job. She was struggling financially and her son had shared some of their struggles with my son. In the bag....rolls of quarters, taken from our closet; $50.00 worth of quarters. Not much. I didn't know what to say. It was a very uncomfortable situation. How could I take that money back from her? But, how could I offer it to her without offending her?
I remember, so clearly, the anger I felt upon finding out that Matthew had stolen from us. But, that feeling quickly diminished. He was wrong to take that money without asking us first but how could I be so angry with him for being so generous and compassionate and wanting to help his friend's family?
Matthew was a bit spoiled. I admit it. He was used to having his needs and many of his "wants" met. But, I believe that when a child grows up seeing generousity, he will become more generous. Matthew had such a loving and giving heart!! He often gave his toys away. However, this was the first time he had ever given something away that didn't belong to him. I knew that I had to deal with that.
Matthew's little friend's mom thought the gesture was so sweet and asked that I not be too hard on Matthew. She shared a little bit of her struggles with me and I told her she was more than welcome to keep the money. She refused. Her parents were sending her some money, she said.
The minute the front door closed Matthew's bedroom door slowly opened. I will never forget the look on his face as he walked down the hallway toward the living room. He was scared but was ready to admit what he had done. We sat down on the sofa and I gave him a hug. I told him how wrong it was to take something that wasn't yours to take. We talked about trust. We talked about forgiveness. Matthew said he was sorry but he was much more concerned with his friend's mom's situation. He asked why I didn't give her any money to help her. He was genuinely concerned about this family. Although it wasn't a good thing that he took the quarters from us, I was actually very thankful for this situation. That day, I saw, in my little boy, the most compassionate and generous soul.
I never had to have another talk with Matthew about trust. He never took anything from us again without asking. Even as a teenager, he never helped himself to money in my wallet or money that was sitting around the house. Matthew did, however, continue to get pretty much anything he wanted. But, as spoiled as he might have been, until the day he died, he would so often give away his "stuff" because he wanted to make others happy; bring joy to their lives and put smiles on their faces. During the last few years of his life, he gave so much of his time and of the little money that he had to those in need.
After Matthew's death, I heard from one of his friends that Matthew gave him the last $10.00 in his wallet so he could get some gas to make it home from the studio one night. And, just the other day, a complete stranger walked up to me in the Home Depot parking lot and told me that he used to work for Matthew and how Matthew gave, so generously, of his time to help him get started in the music business. Matthew had given him an internship at the studio months before he was murdered. He was going to teach him all that he knew about audio engineering. This young man told me that Matthew was the kindest, most generous guy he had ever met in his life. He also told me that what he loved the most about my son was that you didn't have to talk to him for long to know how much he loved Jesus. I thanked him so much for taking the time to share his feelings about my son with me.
Nothing makes me more proud than when I hear these stories, even years after Matthew's death; stories of Matthew's generousity, his kindness and concern for others. I am a very proud mom. I drove away from Home Depot with a smile on my face and a thankful heart for another one of these "Christ Incidences".
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Almost 2 years...running my race...
The 19th of this month, 22 months ago, my sweet son, Matthew Garrett Butler, Sr. and his friend, Steve Swan were murdered during a random robbery as they left Matthew's recording studio. The killers, who were captured in Texarkana a couple of days later, said they rode the train to Garland to rob some rich white folks. They got $2.00 from Steve's wallet and stole his very old car. The police knocked on our door around 2:30am; they believe the boys were shot around 12:30am. Our lives forever changed that morning. Never did I think that anything could hurt so much. Each and every day my heart breaks for my son and his little family. His two babies, Matthew Jr. and McKayla, don't really remember much about their daddy Matthew. They were only 2 and 1/2 and 1 and 1/2 when he was killed. They do surprise me sometimes when they say things, out of the blue, about him. They are the joys of our lives now. Nothing will ever replace our son, our only child, but having these two little angels in our lives definitely makes life easier to bear.
People continue to ask me how I get out of bed every morning. They say that they can't imagine losing a child. They think that they would not be able to continue on with life. Many days I don't feel like getting up and continuing on with my life but I know that I have to. I know that God has a plan for my life and that Matthew would not want me to stop running the race that God has set before me. I have been knocked down but not defeated. I will never stop running!!
The last few years of Matthew's life, often when we talked, he would ask me, "Mom, what have you done for God today?" Since he's been gone, I ask myself that question each and every night before I close my eyes. Not to boast; only to be aware that I am here on this earth for a reason. I'm not here to make myself happy, gather up a bunch of material stuff, be a good person, etc. I'm here to be a witness...to demonstrate to others what being a follower of Christ really is and to lead others to Christ.
Matthew did just that. He lived for eternity. He made a difference in this world. He was a bold witness for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. So many people have reached out to me through email, Facebook, myspace, etc. They tell me how Matthew made an impact on their life. It's difficult to accept that God's plan was for Matthew to live only 28 and 1/2 years but I know that it's true. God knew exactly that Matthew would come home to be with him that morning. He knew it way before Matthew was born. It's hard to understand but I believe it.
For weeks before Matthew was killed, every morning, Jamie told me that he read Psalms 23 to her. Sometimes he would say it in his own words; sometimes he would cry when he read it. He wrote a long list to Jamie...a list of "to-do's"; a how to live your life list, just a few weeks before he died. The day that he was killed, earlier that evening, he told Jamie that he was ready to go home to be with the Lord; that this life was tough and he missed his Oma and Opa.
People ask me if I thought that Matthew knew he was going to die that morning. No, I don't think so. I think that Matthew knew his time on this earth was short. He said that many times. It was like his heart longed for eternity the last few years of his life. He grew so close to his Heavenly Father and I think he just longed to be with Him. He loved Jesus and was such an example to everyone who knew him.
Mike and I count our blessings every day that we got to have Matthew for 28 and 1/2 years. We hear, all the time, about little children who never got a chance to live their lives. Just the other day, a 6 year old little boy was found dead near Lake Lavon. Nobody even reported him missing and I don't think anyone has claimed him yet. You don't have to surf the cable channels for very long to see crime TV shows about little children who are missing and believed to be dead; murdered. So, although Matthew died very young, he was able to live a good life. He was living his dream...the studio, a wife, two precious little ones and a faith so strong that he couldn't stand to keep it to himself. He wanted everyone he met to know this Jesus that changed his life and made it possible for him to live for eternity. Sharing the Gospel was his passion!
Yes, my life will never be the same because of the two creeps who decided they would make a trip to Garland to rob some rich white folks on June 19, 2008. No, it's not fair and I still cry every day; I still wonder why God would have allowed this to happen. I still get mad at God sometimes, but I know He understands. After all, He had to watch His son suffer tremendously and die a horrible death. But, oh, for a great reason!!!
One day, because of Christ Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, I will see my son again. I'll step from this earth into eternity with my Heavenly Father, my mom and dad, other loved ones that have gone before me and my beautiful, precious, loving son. What a day of rejoicing that will be!!!!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
**Sigh** Health Care Bill passes for now
Come on!!! Give me a break!!!
There is absolutely no way we will ever be able to pay for Obamacare...NO WAY. Most Americans didn't want THIS bill to pass. It's no longer WE THE PEOPLE....it's OBAMA THE ARROGANT LEADER (nothing to do with color or political party) and what he wants, he bribes and pressures until he gets his way!! (Millions to LA for a changed vote, Fed Judge appointment promised for a "yes" vote, etc) We should have scrapped this bill and started over a long time ago. But, no, Pelosi encouraged Obama to keep pressing forward.
So, Medicare is already a disaster and Obama's health care bill will only add millions more (people) to the program. Medicare Advantage will cease to exist.
Taxes will absolutely have to go up to pay for Obamacare and, YES, federally funded abortion is still part of this bill. An Exec Order doesn't/can't change a law.
This is socialism folks!!!! And, we're opening up the front door and inviting it in!!! No suprises here. All you have to do is check out Obama's ties to Socialism: http://www.gopusa.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46726'
I've talked to so many people who wish that they could take their vote back!! It's evident by his approval rating; although in the last couple of days they have gone up a bit.
Don't worry too much about this Healthcare fiasco though....if you are one of the millions of Americans who did not want THIS bill to pass. Many state's Attorney Generals are planning to bring suit against the Fed Gov't so this isn't over yet!! http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5g0LSHNfmnWDnZ_JylqiFxeT5GKEQD9EGLNDO0
And, :) while I'm at it.....if you want to make a big...huge difference, help get Speaker Pelosi fired!! http://www.firenancypelosi.com/ Rep National Committee Chairman Steele has called for us to send a message to Obama that we are "....done with their partisan, liberal agenda and government takeovers. It's time that they start growing the economy and creating jobs!!!"
Let your voice be heard!!! Or, you can sit calmly by and let the Fed Government take over every economic sector in this country and destroy it like everything else they have had control of!! Since Obama took office 30% of the nation's economy is now under the control of the Fed Gov't. Add to it Healthcare, the percentage goes to 48%. Financial services another 15%. Add to it cap and trade, if it passes (HR 4173), and...the Fed Gov't would then have control of 65 to 70% of our economy. All in less than 18 months.
Now, does that sound like the United States of America, our democracy that we all know and love??
I don't care who the president is, what color he is, what party he belongs to, his religion, etc. I don't even care if he still wants to blame Bush for everything that's messed up now. I don't care that Pelosi is a snobby millionaire. I don't care that she happens to be the most left winged speaker in history.
What does concern me is that we have a president in office and a speaker of the house that both want it THEIR WAY.....despite what the people of this country want. Obama is not fulfilling his job, Pelosi is not doing her job....which, last time I checked...is to work for US....to lead the country and the house of this DEMOCRATIC nation!!!!! To do what WE THE PEOPLE want and what WE THE PEOPLE think is best for our country.
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2010/03/21/jon-kraushar-obama-health-care-reform-democrats-pass-win-lose/
Okay, I'm done ranting. Thank God for my freedom of speech...I still have that right, right?? At least for now!!!
There is absolutely no way we will ever be able to pay for Obamacare...NO WAY. Most Americans didn't want THIS bill to pass. It's no longer WE THE PEOPLE....it's OBAMA THE ARROGANT LEADER (nothing to do with color or political party) and what he wants, he bribes and pressures until he gets his way!! (Millions to LA for a changed vote, Fed Judge appointment promised for a "yes" vote, etc) We should have scrapped this bill and started over a long time ago. But, no, Pelosi encouraged Obama to keep pressing forward.
So, Medicare is already a disaster and Obama's health care bill will only add millions more (people) to the program. Medicare Advantage will cease to exist.
Taxes will absolutely have to go up to pay for Obamacare and, YES, federally funded abortion is still part of this bill. An Exec Order doesn't/can't change a law.
This is socialism folks!!!! And, we're opening up the front door and inviting it in!!! No suprises here. All you have to do is check out Obama's ties to Socialism: http://www.gopusa.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46726'
I've talked to so many people who wish that they could take their vote back!! It's evident by his approval rating; although in the last couple of days they have gone up a bit.
Don't worry too much about this Healthcare fiasco though....if you are one of the millions of Americans who did not want THIS bill to pass. Many state's Attorney Generals are planning to bring suit against the Fed Gov't so this isn't over yet!! http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5g0LSHNfmnWDnZ_JylqiFxeT5GKEQD9EGLNDO0
And, :) while I'm at it.....if you want to make a big...huge difference, help get Speaker Pelosi fired!! http://www.firenancypelosi.com/ Rep National Committee Chairman Steele has called for us to send a message to Obama that we are "....done with their partisan, liberal agenda and government takeovers. It's time that they start growing the economy and creating jobs!!!"
Let your voice be heard!!! Or, you can sit calmly by and let the Fed Government take over every economic sector in this country and destroy it like everything else they have had control of!! Since Obama took office 30% of the nation's economy is now under the control of the Fed Gov't. Add to it Healthcare, the percentage goes to 48%. Financial services another 15%. Add to it cap and trade, if it passes (HR 4173), and...the Fed Gov't would then have control of 65 to 70% of our economy. All in less than 18 months.
Now, does that sound like the United States of America, our democracy that we all know and love??
I don't care who the president is, what color he is, what party he belongs to, his religion, etc. I don't even care if he still wants to blame Bush for everything that's messed up now. I don't care that Pelosi is a snobby millionaire. I don't care that she happens to be the most left winged speaker in history.
What does concern me is that we have a president in office and a speaker of the house that both want it THEIR WAY.....despite what the people of this country want. Obama is not fulfilling his job, Pelosi is not doing her job....which, last time I checked...is to work for US....to lead the country and the house of this DEMOCRATIC nation!!!!! To do what WE THE PEOPLE want and what WE THE PEOPLE think is best for our country.
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2010/03/21/jon-kraushar-obama-health-care-reform-democrats-pass-win-lose/
Okay, I'm done ranting. Thank God for my freedom of speech...I still have that right, right?? At least for now!!!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Marriage is forever.......
All around us there are couples who have given up on their marriages. Just in my circle of family and friends I know of five right now. You may be reading this and you or your spouse have decided to throw in the towel. The divorce rate in North Texas is now a staggering 54%! Nobody wins in divorce...it's a sad, sad situation. I'm not saying that all marriages could be saved but I'm sure that a big percentage of that 54% could be. No doubt, it takes hard work but it starts with a WILLINGNESS TO ENDURE because it's the right thing to do according to God.
God's intent for marriage was a union for a lifetime; for eternity. Just as Christ came to show us how to love we are to love others as we are loved. Jesus went all the way, enduring the cross for us. He demonstrated such an incredible love in dying for us.
No two people are going to agree or get along 100% of the time; sometimes it seems impossible to agree even 50% of the time. But when we put God first, our spouse before ourselves and genuinly put our selfishness aside we can, with God's help, make our seemingly hopeless marriages work.
In Genesis 1, God creates man in His own image. God blessed man and woman (uniting them) and He told them, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over every other creature.” God ordained marriage! When the Pharisees ask Jesus whether it is lawful for a man to divorce his wife they thought that He may speak against God's law. Instead, Jesus reiterated God's law and said what God joins together, no man can separate. God's intention for us is to remain married...that's it.
If we put God first and set aside our selfish desires, the 60 hour weeks at work, the hunger for more stuff and more money, the drinking and drugs, the flirting and indiscriminate sexual relationships, etc., I truly believe we would see the high divorce rates all over our country decrease.
Many times an issue that is causing division in our marriage is really within us. We divorce and then take it from one marriage right into the next one. Other times we just can't imagine being able to forgive or forget a hurt caused by our spouse. However, we don't pray and ask God to help us to overcome it. We just want to handle it our way. We may get advice from worldly counselors instead of ever seeking God's truth and will for our marriage.
I've been in a horrible marriage. It wasn't fun and at times it was a nightmare. But, I trusted God with my marriage and He healed it, in His time. My son would tell his dad after he moved out, "Dad, you know divorce is wrong and that's not what God wants you to do." When my husband came home months later Matthew told him, "Dad, I'm so proud of you. You did the right thing! You did the honorable thing! Sometimes we have to do what is right even though the feelings aren't there." (Matthew was a wise young man :) God has truly restored and abundantly blessed our marriage.
This March we will celebrate our 31st Wedding Anniversary. I can only say that for us we did the right thing and I only hope that if you are reading this and contemplating divorce that you will think long and hard about it. Give your situation to God, pray, seek Christian counsel, put your selfish desires aside and your spouse first. Ask God to change your heart; your spouse's heart. He will! He is an amazing God. All He needs is a willing heart!! He can and will heal and bless your marriage with the most incredibly satisfying, enduring and forever love!
I Corinthians 13 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
