Today, I was reading all the well wishes and prayers posted on line; Prayers and wishes for prosperity, blessings, good luck, etc. in the new year.
Seriously, if you are reading this....you are soooo blessed already!! Every one of us who read these messages for prosperity and blessings have a roof over our heads and money to pay our utilities to keep us warm. We have a warm, cozy bed to sleep in every night. We more than likely have a car and money for gas and upkeep on that car. We have good food to put in our bellies every day. We have families, loved ones, friends who love us and care for us.
Do we really need to hope and pray for MORE??; more blessings, more money, more of anything???
This year, I pray that we may each wake up every morning thanking God for all the blessings that He has given us and, more importantly, that we share our faith in God and our many, many blessings with others in need.
Happy New Year!!!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Listen and amazing things will happen
People ask me how I can just talk to strangers like I do. I have always been an outgoing and friendly person, I guess. I don't think I've ever met a stranger in my entire life.
But, since my son's murder in June of '08, I have been a little more guarded. I don't trust people like I used to. I find it harder to strike up conversations with people that I don't know. It's different now. But.....
Something just happened last week while I was at the food counter at Costco trying to gather up enough change to pay for my $1.50 hot dog and soda. I was blessed by a couple of strangers!
It all started when this young man, about 11 years old, had ordered his churros, saw that I was digging for change to pay for my order and said to me, "Ma'am, I have some money if you need some. I'll have about $3.00 left after I pay for my order." I replied, "Oh, I have plenty of money, really. I just want to use up my change because my purse gets too heavy. But, that was sweet for you to offer to help me."
I'll have to admit, I was quite embarrassed that this little guy thought that I didn't have enough money to pay for my food. As we both stood there waiting for our order I began to think about how my son would have done the very same thing. Matthew would give away his last $1.00 if someone needed it. Many times Matthew would ask me for money and I would find out later he needed it because he had given a homeless person or someone with a car load of kids next to him at the gas station his last few dollars. I could tell that this little guy had the same generous heart as my son.
I started to talk to him while we were waiting. It's always fun to talk to little kids but these days you have to be careful. Kids are so brainwashed about "strangers". (Hmmm...I wonder if the next generation will even know how to be personable and friendly to people...everyone is a stranger!! But, he seemed to be a friendly kid and obviously had no fear of strangers.)
So, we talked about how old he was and what grade he was in. I reiterated to him how very sweet he was to offer to give me money to pay for my food. Then I asked him, Moses was his name, if he went to church. He said, "Yes, we go to Firewheel Church". We talked about church for a while. Matthew, Jamie, the kids and I had visited Firewheel Church a couple of times so I told him I liked his church. I told him how my son had a kind, generous heart and he reminded me of Matthew. I told him that my son went to be with Jesus last year and that he was only 28. He looked sad and told me he was sorry!
We got our food and said our goodbye's and that was that. Or, so I thought!!!
I stopped at the customer service counter to ask a question about an item that was on sale and Moses and his mom came over and stood beside me. She needed to ask a question too. Whew, I was glad that she wasn't coming up to me to tell me off for sharing about Matthew with her son. But, when we talked, it was quite the opposite. She told me how very sorry she was about my son.
We talked for a minute at the counter. I told her that I had visited her church and I liked it but that we were going to First Baptist Dallas, where my son was a member before he died. She was a very nice lady but I sensed some hurt and pain in her voice. I could just tell that her spirit was sad. I didn't know why. But, I walked away after our brief conversation thinking that I would pray for her and her son, Moses. Moses reminded me so much of Matthew with his kind and generous spirit!!!
I didn't even get to the edge of the loading zone before I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to share a little bit of my story with this woman. And, although I was in a huge hurry, I turned around and told her that I needed to tell her something!! I shared the story about Matthew calling me one night several months before he was murdered; asking me to give him a ride home from the studio. He did not have the car and the kids were asleep so he didn't want Jamie to have to wake them up, load them in the car to go pick him up. I wasn't happy about having to do this; I was just getting ready to hop into bed. But, what Matthew shared with me that night as we sat in the car in the dark parking lot in front of the studio, I will never forget. As I was scolding Matthew for waiting outside in the dark at midnight he was reassuring me that he would be okay and that I shouldn't worry about him. He told me that he wasn't a kid and, in actuality, he never was really our kid...he was God's child and God just LOANED him to his dad and me!! Matthew told me that I need to let go of him; he was, after all, 28 years old with a family and a business of his own. He leaned over to give me a hug and told me to always remember that if anything ever happened to him, he would just be back in his Heavenly Father's arms...the best place to be!!!
As the tears flowed down this sweet woman's face, she began to share with me about her two daughters, both under 21, and her 16 year old son, who were all walking down the path of destruction. They were drinking, partying, leaving home for days at a time, being so very disrespectful and abusive to her, etc. She was so worried about them and so very heartbroken. I told her that I could most certainly relate. I shared some of Matthew's struggles with her and told her to let go of them, give her children to God (they were HIS after all) and to pray for them! Above all, I told her, do not worry about them. Worrying does not change anything. God can and will change their paths!! HE IS AMAZING!!!
You see, Matthew struggled through some of these very same things as a teenager and even into his early adult years. Matthew was always very impulsive and a risk taker when he was younger. He had been diagnosed with ADD when he was 8 years old. By the time he was in the 10th grade he had given up on school. He was staying home working on a home school program but that never worked out for him. He was not self disciplined enough or driven enough to get the work done. He went back to school in the spring semester of the 10th grade. A private school in Dallas for kids with learning differences. He loved it. However, he got involved with some wealthy kids who had the money and the access to drugs; cocaine, marijuana, acid, etc. And, unbeknownst to us, Matthew began using cocaine. His moods were unstable but we believed this to be symptoms of his ADD. Looking back.....well, hindsight is 20/20!!
Matthew was involved in the music program at his school and played John Travolta in "Greasin' Up The 50s" and sang several other solos in programs throughout the years. He loved to sing! He struggled through school with his mood swings; fighting against the effects of the drugs he was putting into his system. He made it through and graduated in '99. I believe, had it not been for this school, his involvement in music and, especially, his music teacher, that he would have continued down that very same road to destruction that this woman's kids were now on.
Sorry, enough about Matthew. Let me get back to my story!!
Wiping the tears from her face, this woman told me how much she appreciated me taking the time to tell her my story. I encouraged her to give her children to God, pray for them and try as hard as she could to not worry about them. I told her that she was not going to be able to change them but that God could and would. I stressed to her that she should be firm with them; enforce strict house rules and let them know that things would be changing and the rules would be followed in her home. She told me how tough that was to do. Boy, did I ever know how true that statement was!! But, I told her she had to do it for her kids sake. She agreed.
As we said goodbye and shared our information so that we could keep in contact, she told me that I would never know how much she really needed to hear what I had to say!! She said she was so sorry for my loss but that I had encouraged her so much with my story; what Matthew shared with me that night in the very same parking spot where he would later take his last breath on this earth!! Well, what she didn't realize was, that night, Moses was an angel sent from Heaven above to bless me; to warm my heart!! I had been missing Matthew so much that day!!
I know that God uses me!! He uses and will continue to use my stories and my ability to strike up conversations with complete strangers to bless and encourage others!! But, it's me who is so often blessed beyond belief whenever a "Christ-incidence" like this one happens in my life.
I want to encourage everyone to stop and listen to that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit of God, share your story, your faith and the love of Jesus with someone when you know the time is right. Our God is alive!!! He cares!! He puts people directly in our paths for a reason. So, listen...be friendly...be bold.....and prepare to be blessed!!!
But, since my son's murder in June of '08, I have been a little more guarded. I don't trust people like I used to. I find it harder to strike up conversations with people that I don't know. It's different now. But.....
Something just happened last week while I was at the food counter at Costco trying to gather up enough change to pay for my $1.50 hot dog and soda. I was blessed by a couple of strangers!
It all started when this young man, about 11 years old, had ordered his churros, saw that I was digging for change to pay for my order and said to me, "Ma'am, I have some money if you need some. I'll have about $3.00 left after I pay for my order." I replied, "Oh, I have plenty of money, really. I just want to use up my change because my purse gets too heavy. But, that was sweet for you to offer to help me."
I'll have to admit, I was quite embarrassed that this little guy thought that I didn't have enough money to pay for my food. As we both stood there waiting for our order I began to think about how my son would have done the very same thing. Matthew would give away his last $1.00 if someone needed it. Many times Matthew would ask me for money and I would find out later he needed it because he had given a homeless person or someone with a car load of kids next to him at the gas station his last few dollars. I could tell that this little guy had the same generous heart as my son.
I started to talk to him while we were waiting. It's always fun to talk to little kids but these days you have to be careful. Kids are so brainwashed about "strangers". (Hmmm...I wonder if the next generation will even know how to be personable and friendly to people...everyone is a stranger!! But, he seemed to be a friendly kid and obviously had no fear of strangers.)
So, we talked about how old he was and what grade he was in. I reiterated to him how very sweet he was to offer to give me money to pay for my food. Then I asked him, Moses was his name, if he went to church. He said, "Yes, we go to Firewheel Church". We talked about church for a while. Matthew, Jamie, the kids and I had visited Firewheel Church a couple of times so I told him I liked his church. I told him how my son had a kind, generous heart and he reminded me of Matthew. I told him that my son went to be with Jesus last year and that he was only 28. He looked sad and told me he was sorry!
We got our food and said our goodbye's and that was that. Or, so I thought!!!
I stopped at the customer service counter to ask a question about an item that was on sale and Moses and his mom came over and stood beside me. She needed to ask a question too. Whew, I was glad that she wasn't coming up to me to tell me off for sharing about Matthew with her son. But, when we talked, it was quite the opposite. She told me how very sorry she was about my son.
We talked for a minute at the counter. I told her that I had visited her church and I liked it but that we were going to First Baptist Dallas, where my son was a member before he died. She was a very nice lady but I sensed some hurt and pain in her voice. I could just tell that her spirit was sad. I didn't know why. But, I walked away after our brief conversation thinking that I would pray for her and her son, Moses. Moses reminded me so much of Matthew with his kind and generous spirit!!!
I didn't even get to the edge of the loading zone before I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to share a little bit of my story with this woman. And, although I was in a huge hurry, I turned around and told her that I needed to tell her something!! I shared the story about Matthew calling me one night several months before he was murdered; asking me to give him a ride home from the studio. He did not have the car and the kids were asleep so he didn't want Jamie to have to wake them up, load them in the car to go pick him up. I wasn't happy about having to do this; I was just getting ready to hop into bed. But, what Matthew shared with me that night as we sat in the car in the dark parking lot in front of the studio, I will never forget. As I was scolding Matthew for waiting outside in the dark at midnight he was reassuring me that he would be okay and that I shouldn't worry about him. He told me that he wasn't a kid and, in actuality, he never was really our kid...he was God's child and God just LOANED him to his dad and me!! Matthew told me that I need to let go of him; he was, after all, 28 years old with a family and a business of his own. He leaned over to give me a hug and told me to always remember that if anything ever happened to him, he would just be back in his Heavenly Father's arms...the best place to be!!!
As the tears flowed down this sweet woman's face, she began to share with me about her two daughters, both under 21, and her 16 year old son, who were all walking down the path of destruction. They were drinking, partying, leaving home for days at a time, being so very disrespectful and abusive to her, etc. She was so worried about them and so very heartbroken. I told her that I could most certainly relate. I shared some of Matthew's struggles with her and told her to let go of them, give her children to God (they were HIS after all) and to pray for them! Above all, I told her, do not worry about them. Worrying does not change anything. God can and will change their paths!! HE IS AMAZING!!!
You see, Matthew struggled through some of these very same things as a teenager and even into his early adult years. Matthew was always very impulsive and a risk taker when he was younger. He had been diagnosed with ADD when he was 8 years old. By the time he was in the 10th grade he had given up on school. He was staying home working on a home school program but that never worked out for him. He was not self disciplined enough or driven enough to get the work done. He went back to school in the spring semester of the 10th grade. A private school in Dallas for kids with learning differences. He loved it. However, he got involved with some wealthy kids who had the money and the access to drugs; cocaine, marijuana, acid, etc. And, unbeknownst to us, Matthew began using cocaine. His moods were unstable but we believed this to be symptoms of his ADD. Looking back.....well, hindsight is 20/20!!
Matthew was involved in the music program at his school and played John Travolta in "Greasin' Up The 50s" and sang several other solos in programs throughout the years. He loved to sing! He struggled through school with his mood swings; fighting against the effects of the drugs he was putting into his system. He made it through and graduated in '99. I believe, had it not been for this school, his involvement in music and, especially, his music teacher, that he would have continued down that very same road to destruction that this woman's kids were now on.
Sorry, enough about Matthew. Let me get back to my story!!
Wiping the tears from her face, this woman told me how much she appreciated me taking the time to tell her my story. I encouraged her to give her children to God, pray for them and try as hard as she could to not worry about them. I told her that she was not going to be able to change them but that God could and would. I stressed to her that she should be firm with them; enforce strict house rules and let them know that things would be changing and the rules would be followed in her home. She told me how tough that was to do. Boy, did I ever know how true that statement was!! But, I told her she had to do it for her kids sake. She agreed.
As we said goodbye and shared our information so that we could keep in contact, she told me that I would never know how much she really needed to hear what I had to say!! She said she was so sorry for my loss but that I had encouraged her so much with my story; what Matthew shared with me that night in the very same parking spot where he would later take his last breath on this earth!! Well, what she didn't realize was, that night, Moses was an angel sent from Heaven above to bless me; to warm my heart!! I had been missing Matthew so much that day!!
I know that God uses me!! He uses and will continue to use my stories and my ability to strike up conversations with complete strangers to bless and encourage others!! But, it's me who is so often blessed beyond belief whenever a "Christ-incidence" like this one happens in my life.
I want to encourage everyone to stop and listen to that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit of God, share your story, your faith and the love of Jesus with someone when you know the time is right. Our God is alive!!! He cares!! He puts people directly in our paths for a reason. So, listen...be friendly...be bold.....and prepare to be blessed!!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
I will never leave you or forsake you
From my myspace.com blog 10/24/2009:
When you lose your only child in a tragic, random, senseless murder, you can't help but wonder where God was and why He wasn't protecting your child. After all, Matthew's safety is what I prayed for all of his life...even before he was born. I always thought that God gave us the desires of our hearts, and when we prayed, believed and asked Him for those desires, He would give them to us.....because He put them there in the first place. Or, so was taught. I've wondered about this since Matthew was murdered last June.I believed that if I lifted Matthew, and all my loved ones, up to God and prayed for their safety that God would protect them. I've wondered why I should even bother to pray for my loved ones if there is already a plan for their life and God knows the future anyway. I've wondered why God brought Matthew through so much and protected him from so much to just suddenly allow this tragedy to happen. I've been told that God had a purpose for Matthew's untimely death. I've wondered about that too.I don't think that God allowed Matthew's death so that John Doe would be saved. Why would God take the joy of this life away from Matthew. He did nothing to deserve this. Matthew loved God; he loved Jamie and his two little babies. He loved his family. He loved his friends. He was working to build God's kingdom by sharing the Gospel with everyone he met. Why would God allow Matthew to die when He could have protected him from harm that night? He is God, for heaven's sake....He could have saved Matthew's life so that Matthew could have enjoyed being a father, serving the Lord, loving his family and friends, sharing the Gospel with the lost, growing old together with Jamie, etc, etc, etc!!!! So....I've spent a good portion of the last 16 months wondering about all of this and I can't figure any of it out. I've prayed and asked God for answers....He hasn't told me why. I have no answers. I will never know why Matthew's life ended at the young age of 28. I will never know if God had some bigger reason for allowing Matthew's life to end that night. However.... Some things I do know for certain....God loved Matthew, God was there when he took his last breath on this earth and it must have saddened Him. I know that God loves me, AND...He is still right here beside me, walking with me each and every day, strengthening me when I am weak and offering me comfort and peace from this chaos. And, I've decided that that's all I need now....peace and comfort!!! What I've been doing is trying to lean on my own understanding. So, I give up and put all the wondering to rest!! I give it to God every morning when I wake up. I trust in the Lord with my whole heart, soul and mind and believe His promise that He has never left me and will never forsake me. When I let go and let God...I feel His presence; the peace and comfort that only He provides. He is truly an amazing and wonderous God!!!
When you lose your only child in a tragic, random, senseless murder, you can't help but wonder where God was and why He wasn't protecting your child. After all, Matthew's safety is what I prayed for all of his life...even before he was born. I always thought that God gave us the desires of our hearts, and when we prayed, believed and asked Him for those desires, He would give them to us.....because He put them there in the first place. Or, so was taught. I've wondered about this since Matthew was murdered last June.I believed that if I lifted Matthew, and all my loved ones, up to God and prayed for their safety that God would protect them. I've wondered why I should even bother to pray for my loved ones if there is already a plan for their life and God knows the future anyway. I've wondered why God brought Matthew through so much and protected him from so much to just suddenly allow this tragedy to happen. I've been told that God had a purpose for Matthew's untimely death. I've wondered about that too.I don't think that God allowed Matthew's death so that John Doe would be saved. Why would God take the joy of this life away from Matthew. He did nothing to deserve this. Matthew loved God; he loved Jamie and his two little babies. He loved his family. He loved his friends. He was working to build God's kingdom by sharing the Gospel with everyone he met. Why would God allow Matthew to die when He could have protected him from harm that night? He is God, for heaven's sake....He could have saved Matthew's life so that Matthew could have enjoyed being a father, serving the Lord, loving his family and friends, sharing the Gospel with the lost, growing old together with Jamie, etc, etc, etc!!!! So....I've spent a good portion of the last 16 months wondering about all of this and I can't figure any of it out. I've prayed and asked God for answers....He hasn't told me why. I have no answers. I will never know why Matthew's life ended at the young age of 28. I will never know if God had some bigger reason for allowing Matthew's life to end that night. However.... Some things I do know for certain....God loved Matthew, God was there when he took his last breath on this earth and it must have saddened Him. I know that God loves me, AND...He is still right here beside me, walking with me each and every day, strengthening me when I am weak and offering me comfort and peace from this chaos. And, I've decided that that's all I need now....peace and comfort!!! What I've been doing is trying to lean on my own understanding. So, I give up and put all the wondering to rest!! I give it to God every morning when I wake up. I trust in the Lord with my whole heart, soul and mind and believe His promise that He has never left me and will never forsake me. When I let go and let God...I feel His presence; the peace and comfort that only He provides. He is truly an amazing and wonderous God!!!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Last Words
The last time I spoke to my son, it was about 6pm on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008. He was murdered about 12:30am the next morning, on Thursday, June 19, 2008.
That Wednesday evening, on my way home from work, I called just to see how Matthew, Jamie and the kiddos were doing. (We used to talk several times a day.) Matthew said he was tired and a little down but that he would get through it. I told him I understood; I sort of felt the same way. He said he was playing in the floor with his "kiddos", as he lovingly referred to them. He told me a little about his afternoon...that he met with the pastor of First Baptist Dallas. He was very excited about giving his time to ministry work at the church. He spoke so highly of the pastor; he thought it was great that the pastor of a church with 13,000 members would take time to visit with him.
He told me that Steve and him were going to meet at the studio that night to finish mastering the symphony orchestra recording that they had just recorded on Father's Day weekend. I could tell that his voice changed as he spoke about his plans for the night. He loved his work. He was living his dream! We hung up but right before we said goodbye Matthew encouraged me and we told each other "I love you". It's just what we always did.
Never in a million years did I think that would be the last time I spoke to Matthew.
Today, as I drove up Central Expressway after taking our grandbabies, Matthew Jr. and McKayla, home to Duncanville a big, huge SUV pulled over into my lane. We both were going about 60mph. Thankfully, the driver did not pull over quickly so I had a split second to check out the next lane and swerve over. Thank God a car was not in that lane. I know this all sounds like it was not that big of a deal but, trust me, it was. He was only a couple of feet in front of me in the next lane when he pulled over. Had I not been paying close attention, I wouldn't have seen him and he, for sure, didn't see me so it could have been a horrible accident. My heart has never raced so fast; my entire body was shaking. In 36 years of driving I've never had anything so frightening happen to me. I thought I was going to have to pull over. I could have been killed; gone in an instant.
For most of the remainder of my trip home all I could think about was my last conversation with Matthew the night before he died. I thought about my conversation with my hubby, Mike, earlier that morning as he was leaving for work. And, then, I recalled a conversation I had about "last conversations" with someone just last week.
I was telling this very opinionated person, who shall remain anonymous, how important I think it is to always be mindful that your conversation with your loved one could be your last. I was sharing why I believe it's so important to always say "I love you" and to never, ever be angry when your conversation ends.
The response I got was, "Oh, come on, you know that that is just unreasonable!! You can't go through your life thinking every time you talk to your loved one it may be your last time. They know that you love them anyway...you shouldn't always have to tell them you love them. And, people just argue and fight. You're not always going to get along." I tried to understand this point of view. But, I didn't agree then and, today....I have to say....that I couldn't disagree more.
Words may not matter to you; you may think that it's impossible to always get along; you too may think I'm being unreasonable. You may not think that it's important to consider that your conversation with your loved one just may be your last one, well.....you are certainly entitled to your opinion.
But, as for Mike and I... our lives changed forever when we lost Matthew. Since Matthew's death, we simply no longer sweat the small stuff. We absolutely get along great now. 1 Corinthians 13:4 is paramount in our lives now. We never part without a kiss, a hug and an "I love you". In fact, those were our last words to each other this morning as Mike left for work. Words that, I know, would have always been lovingly remembered by Mike as our last words to each other had my life ended today. This very scary, could have been fatal accident, reinforces why I believe what I believe and why I do what I do. It's important to love, to get along, to NOT sweat the small stuff, to live today like it's your last day, to never depart angry or let the sun go down while you're angry, to kiss more, to hug more and to always, always say the words, "I love you". It's just what we do now.
1 Corinthians 13:4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
That Wednesday evening, on my way home from work, I called just to see how Matthew, Jamie and the kiddos were doing. (We used to talk several times a day.) Matthew said he was tired and a little down but that he would get through it. I told him I understood; I sort of felt the same way. He said he was playing in the floor with his "kiddos", as he lovingly referred to them. He told me a little about his afternoon...that he met with the pastor of First Baptist Dallas. He was very excited about giving his time to ministry work at the church. He spoke so highly of the pastor; he thought it was great that the pastor of a church with 13,000 members would take time to visit with him.
He told me that Steve and him were going to meet at the studio that night to finish mastering the symphony orchestra recording that they had just recorded on Father's Day weekend. I could tell that his voice changed as he spoke about his plans for the night. He loved his work. He was living his dream! We hung up but right before we said goodbye Matthew encouraged me and we told each other "I love you". It's just what we always did.
Never in a million years did I think that would be the last time I spoke to Matthew.
Today, as I drove up Central Expressway after taking our grandbabies, Matthew Jr. and McKayla, home to Duncanville a big, huge SUV pulled over into my lane. We both were going about 60mph. Thankfully, the driver did not pull over quickly so I had a split second to check out the next lane and swerve over. Thank God a car was not in that lane. I know this all sounds like it was not that big of a deal but, trust me, it was. He was only a couple of feet in front of me in the next lane when he pulled over. Had I not been paying close attention, I wouldn't have seen him and he, for sure, didn't see me so it could have been a horrible accident. My heart has never raced so fast; my entire body was shaking. In 36 years of driving I've never had anything so frightening happen to me. I thought I was going to have to pull over. I could have been killed; gone in an instant.
For most of the remainder of my trip home all I could think about was my last conversation with Matthew the night before he died. I thought about my conversation with my hubby, Mike, earlier that morning as he was leaving for work. And, then, I recalled a conversation I had about "last conversations" with someone just last week.
I was telling this very opinionated person, who shall remain anonymous, how important I think it is to always be mindful that your conversation with your loved one could be your last. I was sharing why I believe it's so important to always say "I love you" and to never, ever be angry when your conversation ends.
The response I got was, "Oh, come on, you know that that is just unreasonable!! You can't go through your life thinking every time you talk to your loved one it may be your last time. They know that you love them anyway...you shouldn't always have to tell them you love them. And, people just argue and fight. You're not always going to get along." I tried to understand this point of view. But, I didn't agree then and, today....I have to say....that I couldn't disagree more.
Words may not matter to you; you may think that it's impossible to always get along; you too may think I'm being unreasonable. You may not think that it's important to consider that your conversation with your loved one just may be your last one, well.....you are certainly entitled to your opinion.
But, as for Mike and I... our lives changed forever when we lost Matthew. Since Matthew's death, we simply no longer sweat the small stuff. We absolutely get along great now. 1 Corinthians 13:4 is paramount in our lives now. We never part without a kiss, a hug and an "I love you". In fact, those were our last words to each other this morning as Mike left for work. Words that, I know, would have always been lovingly remembered by Mike as our last words to each other had my life ended today. This very scary, could have been fatal accident, reinforces why I believe what I believe and why I do what I do. It's important to love, to get along, to NOT sweat the small stuff, to live today like it's your last day, to never depart angry or let the sun go down while you're angry, to kiss more, to hug more and to always, always say the words, "I love you". It's just what we do now.
1 Corinthians 13:4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The tough valleys of life
It seems like I have spent a great majority of my adult life wondering around the valleys of life...sometimes they were very dark valleys; sometimes just hazy and dim. A few times I have made it to the mountaintop but I've never enjoyed a lengthy stay. I would soon lose my footing, falling back down to the valley, or I would be knocked off of the mountain by some wild and forceful wind....impossible to stand against.
I am not complaining. I appreciate the valleys, for, as a Christian, it is during my stay in the valleys that my faith is strengthened the most. I fall to my knees and call out to God like no other time. In fact, my faith in God would not be at all what it is today had it not been for those falls. Sometimes, my sin alone caused me to fall off the magnificent mountaintop, back into those lonely, dark and desolate valleys. Most of the time, however, the falls were by no fault of mine. Life is just tough and I've had a darn good handout of tough!
During this past year I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life. Of course, nothing else has affected me like the murder of my only son, Matthew, last year. It has forever changed me. I have spent the last 17 months in an extremely lonely valley. It's not pretty nor has it been comfortable. It's been the toughest time in my life. But, my heavenly Father has always been right here beside me, strengthening me and guiding me through those dark, incredibly tough times. My faith is stronger now than ever before. I feel a closeness with God that I do not have the words to describe. I now know exactly how Matthew felt when he so passionately and lovingly sang the song, "I am a friend of God". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7ydC6hYbAw&feature=related
Matthew experienced many a valley in the short 28 years of his life here on earth. But, he loved God more than anything else, he knew that God cared for him and he knew that his God called him friend.
The mountaintop may seem to be the place to be. It's much more beautiful up there. And, after all, it's so much higher, so it must be closer to the heavens; closer to God. Well, it's not. I've enjoyed my stays on top of that mountain. It's definitely a easier and simpler life up there. But, I can't thank God enough for the valleys. They may be tough but I wouldn't trade my stays in the valleys for anything!!!
I am not complaining. I appreciate the valleys, for, as a Christian, it is during my stay in the valleys that my faith is strengthened the most. I fall to my knees and call out to God like no other time. In fact, my faith in God would not be at all what it is today had it not been for those falls. Sometimes, my sin alone caused me to fall off the magnificent mountaintop, back into those lonely, dark and desolate valleys. Most of the time, however, the falls were by no fault of mine. Life is just tough and I've had a darn good handout of tough!
During this past year I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life. Of course, nothing else has affected me like the murder of my only son, Matthew, last year. It has forever changed me. I have spent the last 17 months in an extremely lonely valley. It's not pretty nor has it been comfortable. It's been the toughest time in my life. But, my heavenly Father has always been right here beside me, strengthening me and guiding me through those dark, incredibly tough times. My faith is stronger now than ever before. I feel a closeness with God that I do not have the words to describe. I now know exactly how Matthew felt when he so passionately and lovingly sang the song, "I am a friend of God". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7ydC6hYbAw&feature=related
Matthew experienced many a valley in the short 28 years of his life here on earth. But, he loved God more than anything else, he knew that God cared for him and he knew that his God called him friend.
The mountaintop may seem to be the place to be. It's much more beautiful up there. And, after all, it's so much higher, so it must be closer to the heavens; closer to God. Well, it's not. I've enjoyed my stays on top of that mountain. It's definitely a easier and simpler life up there. But, I can't thank God enough for the valleys. They may be tough but I wouldn't trade my stays in the valleys for anything!!!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Joy, peace and strength that only come from the Lord
Today, we went to Matthew's grave and, as expected, it was a much more intense and emotional time than all the other visits we've made during the past (almost) year and a half. Matthew would have just turned 30 years old today. I still can't believe that he's gone; much less that he's been gone for more than a year now.
We make the 7 hour round-trip drive to Plain Dealing, LA almost every other weekend. We stand over his grave, holding each other as we talk to Matthew, shed many, many tears and sometimes we share with each other very special memories of our sweet, sweet son.
Today, we couldn't speak; the tears wouldn't quit. It seemed as if our initial hurt and grief surfaced all over again. Anger was welling up inside of us. Matthew didn't deserve to die. He was a kind and gentle, loving soul. He would have given the shirt off his back to anyone in need. It's just not right. How could this have happened to him, to Jamie and the kids, to us? Not our Matthew!!! We'll never stop asking why!!!
I quietly cried out to God for that peace that passes all understanding. We need that peace!!! Matthew wouldn't want us to be hurting so much; to be in so much pain. Mike said, "We have to remember that we had Matthew for 28 and 1/2 years. He had a good life. What 26 year old young man do you know that is living his dreams? He had a business, a great wife, and those two beautiful children that brought him so much joy. He was so proud of them." Matthew was a great daddy and he just adored his "kiddos" as he lovingly referred to them. Oh, he struggled at times in his life but he never stopped loving the Lord and throughout his trials, he drew closer and closer to God; his faith grew so strong. He was an overcomer!
As our tears subsided and we wiped away the remaining teardrops on our cheeks, we began to talk about how special Matthew was to us and how blessed we were to have him for those 28 short years. We began to sense that incredible, quiet, still peace that only comes from God!! We smiled as we continued to talk about how much Matthew taught us and how much our lives have changed since his death; changed for the better! We remembered how he always gave so unselfishly to those in need and how much he desired to serve the Lord and others. We remembered how, at times, he longed for Heaven....almost like he belonged there and not here. :)
We know that Matthew would be so proud of his dad for being sober now for 15 months. He'd be so proud of his dad for going back to church. And, he would be so proud of me for waking up every morning and praying to God for opportunities to witness to the lost. See, I used to get random phone calls from Matthew and he would simply be calling to ask, "Mom, what have you done for God today?" Matthew believed that is wasn't enough to SAY you were a Christian, even if you never missed church and you read your Bible and prayed every day. He would always remind me of THE GREAT COMMISSION! He thanked God for his opportunities; he shared about some of them in his journal one day back in 2002. He wrote, "Thank you God that when I pray for increased opportunities to witness, that you are faithful to give them to me......every time!!" He could never understand why people, why self professed Christians, neglected The Great Commission, "God's marching orders", as he called them. (If you haven't ever asked God to give you opportunities to witness, try it. And, be prepared for the opportunity He puts in your path!! :)
So, today, we celebrate the day that our Matthew, our Gift from God, was loaned to us 30 years ago; we remember what all he taught us and how very special he was to so many people who knew him. And, how this senseless murder and the testimony of our faith throughout this tragedy has touched so many people's lives throughout the nation and even the world.
We praise and continually thank our amazing, wonderful God above all else and for all things in all circumstances!! Even in death......the Joy of the Lord is our strength!!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Is it okay to feel a little sorry for yourself sometimes?
As my husband, Mike, and I contemplate our future together we realize just how much everything has really changed since we lost our dear, sweet, Matthew.
Parents can only hope and pray that they will successfully raise loving, kind children. We hear it so often, that parenting is the hardest job on this planet and it comes with no owner's manual. It's the truth! So, as parents we do the best job we know how and if we are lucky, or, as I would rather say, blessed, then we end up with wonderful adult children that will be there to care for us when we are old and needy. That's just the way it's supposed to be. We were so blessed. Matthew was the most loving son a parent could ever hope for. We had a great relationship with him and looked so forward to the future.
But, back to my point....our discussions about our future now just aren't at all enjoyable. We seem to only come up with lists of things we need to do like change our wills, label each and every picture before we die, work on the family geneology project, pre-plan our funerals, etc. No more time spent on our hopes and dreams, plans for family vacations, holiday festivities and memory making with our son and his family. That's all gone. Our futures, the rest of our lives, were stolen from us by two black men who just wanted some stuff one night!
Sure, you say, we have our grandchildren! We need to put all of our energy into them now; enjoy life because we have them. To some extent, we do, and we will continue to have a more joyful life because of them. However, it's just not the same. There is a missing link now.
So, when someone said to me the other day that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself I really took it to heart and have thought long and hard about it. I'm sorry, but I do feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for Mike. I feel sorry for us both because for the rest of our lives we are missing out on what our future should have been.
Most importantly, we were robbed of watching Matthew live his life to the fullest, loving God, loving his parents, his wife and his two precious little babies. We will never again get to see that huge grin on his face, feel his loving embrace, hear his hilarious impressions or share in his passion for music and sharing Christ with everyone he met. And, not as important, but probably the reason I was told that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself is that we can't help but wonder who will care for us when we are old and needy? As we grow older I'm sure that will be of even more concern to us than it is now. We still think about it now. Matthew was supposed to be around for that season of our lives.....to give back all the love and care that we doled out on him during his childhood. He often would joke that he was going to put us into a home when we got old so he would never have to clean up our drool and change our diapers. Not so funny now, Matthew!!!
Parents can only hope and pray that they will successfully raise loving, kind children. We hear it so often, that parenting is the hardest job on this planet and it comes with no owner's manual. It's the truth! So, as parents we do the best job we know how and if we are lucky, or, as I would rather say, blessed, then we end up with wonderful adult children that will be there to care for us when we are old and needy. That's just the way it's supposed to be. We were so blessed. Matthew was the most loving son a parent could ever hope for. We had a great relationship with him and looked so forward to the future.
But, back to my point....our discussions about our future now just aren't at all enjoyable. We seem to only come up with lists of things we need to do like change our wills, label each and every picture before we die, work on the family geneology project, pre-plan our funerals, etc. No more time spent on our hopes and dreams, plans for family vacations, holiday festivities and memory making with our son and his family. That's all gone. Our futures, the rest of our lives, were stolen from us by two black men who just wanted some stuff one night!
Sure, you say, we have our grandchildren! We need to put all of our energy into them now; enjoy life because we have them. To some extent, we do, and we will continue to have a more joyful life because of them. However, it's just not the same. There is a missing link now.
So, when someone said to me the other day that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself I really took it to heart and have thought long and hard about it. I'm sorry, but I do feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for Mike. I feel sorry for us both because for the rest of our lives we are missing out on what our future should have been.
Most importantly, we were robbed of watching Matthew live his life to the fullest, loving God, loving his parents, his wife and his two precious little babies. We will never again get to see that huge grin on his face, feel his loving embrace, hear his hilarious impressions or share in his passion for music and sharing Christ with everyone he met. And, not as important, but probably the reason I was told that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself is that we can't help but wonder who will care for us when we are old and needy? As we grow older I'm sure that will be of even more concern to us than it is now. We still think about it now. Matthew was supposed to be around for that season of our lives.....to give back all the love and care that we doled out on him during his childhood. He often would joke that he was going to put us into a home when we got old so he would never have to clean up our drool and change our diapers. Not so funny now, Matthew!!!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
So......
In a few days, my only child, Matthew Garrett, Sr., would have turned 30 years old. I say "would have" because he was murdered last summer in a random robbery in front of his recording studio, Zion Gate Records, along with his friend, Steve Swan. Steve was only 26.
The two black punks that changed our lives forever are in jail...one, Broadnax, the scumbag who pulled the trigger, is on death row. His cousin, Cummings, is still in the Dallas County Jail awaiting a trial, we hope. Cummings should be tried before a jury so that they can decide his fate. (Dallas County Commissioner, Mike Cantrell, asked all County Depts to take an across the board budget cut and the DAs Office says they may not have the money to take Cummings to trial. If this is true, he will get to plea bargain, I guess.)
Trouble is, from his own confession video, you hear Cummings say that he told his cousin that they should "do it now..." (after walking away from Matthew and Steve) "....if they's gonna' do it....it's a long damn walk back to East Dallas...." he says. They came to Garland because, "...that's where all the rich white folks stays..." UGH!!! They needed stuff, as the DA said during the trial...Matthew and Steve's stuff. Cummings is just as guilty; if not more so, since many of the detectives believe that he encouraged his cousin to do his dirty work for him. Cummings had been in prison before; he made sure he didn't pull the trigger.
They got $2.00 and Steve's car. They were disappointed as they drove off, saying to each other, "Man, $2.00, that's all we got...."
YEAH....IDIOTS....my son and his friend worked hard for the little bit of money they had. My son had a family...a sweet wife and two little babies to support. They never had much but they knew how to get more. They worked!!! What a concept!!!
Thank God these killers were caught and they confessed!! I can't imagine living life not knowing who did it. Just the thought of Matthew and Steve's killers roaming around on the streets makes me sick. I hope and pray that Broadnax gets his lethal injection soon and that Cummings will get a jury trial with the same punishment as his cuz. Good riddance to both of them!!! The world will be a safer and better place when they're gone!!!
The two black punks that changed our lives forever are in jail...one, Broadnax, the scumbag who pulled the trigger, is on death row. His cousin, Cummings, is still in the Dallas County Jail awaiting a trial, we hope. Cummings should be tried before a jury so that they can decide his fate. (Dallas County Commissioner, Mike Cantrell, asked all County Depts to take an across the board budget cut and the DAs Office says they may not have the money to take Cummings to trial. If this is true, he will get to plea bargain, I guess.)
Trouble is, from his own confession video, you hear Cummings say that he told his cousin that they should "do it now..." (after walking away from Matthew and Steve) "....if they's gonna' do it....it's a long damn walk back to East Dallas...." he says. They came to Garland because, "...that's where all the rich white folks stays..." UGH!!! They needed stuff, as the DA said during the trial...Matthew and Steve's stuff. Cummings is just as guilty; if not more so, since many of the detectives believe that he encouraged his cousin to do his dirty work for him. Cummings had been in prison before; he made sure he didn't pull the trigger.
They got $2.00 and Steve's car. They were disappointed as they drove off, saying to each other, "Man, $2.00, that's all we got...."
YEAH....IDIOTS....my son and his friend worked hard for the little bit of money they had. My son had a family...a sweet wife and two little babies to support. They never had much but they knew how to get more. They worked!!! What a concept!!!
Thank God these killers were caught and they confessed!! I can't imagine living life not knowing who did it. Just the thought of Matthew and Steve's killers roaming around on the streets makes me sick. I hope and pray that Broadnax gets his lethal injection soon and that Cummings will get a jury trial with the same punishment as his cuz. Good riddance to both of them!!! The world will be a safer and better place when they're gone!!!
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