Today, we went to Matthew's grave and, as expected, it was a much more intense and emotional time than all the other visits we've made during the past (almost) year and a half. Matthew would have just turned 30 years old today. I still can't believe that he's gone; much less that he's been gone for more than a year now.
We make the 7 hour round-trip drive to Plain Dealing, LA almost every other weekend. We stand over his grave, holding each other as we talk to Matthew, shed many, many tears and sometimes we share with each other very special memories of our sweet, sweet son.
Today, we couldn't speak; the tears wouldn't quit. It seemed as if our initial hurt and grief surfaced all over again. Anger was welling up inside of us. Matthew didn't deserve to die. He was a kind and gentle, loving soul. He would have given the shirt off his back to anyone in need. It's just not right. How could this have happened to him, to Jamie and the kids, to us? Not our Matthew!!! We'll never stop asking why!!!
I quietly cried out to God for that peace that passes all understanding. We need that peace!!! Matthew wouldn't want us to be hurting so much; to be in so much pain. Mike said, "We have to remember that we had Matthew for 28 and 1/2 years. He had a good life. What 26 year old young man do you know that is living his dreams? He had a business, a great wife, and those two beautiful children that brought him so much joy. He was so proud of them." Matthew was a great daddy and he just adored his "kiddos" as he lovingly referred to them. Oh, he struggled at times in his life but he never stopped loving the Lord and throughout his trials, he drew closer and closer to God; his faith grew so strong. He was an overcomer!
As our tears subsided and we wiped away the remaining teardrops on our cheeks, we began to talk about how special Matthew was to us and how blessed we were to have him for those 28 short years. We began to sense that incredible, quiet, still peace that only comes from God!! We smiled as we continued to talk about how much Matthew taught us and how much our lives have changed since his death; changed for the better! We remembered how he always gave so unselfishly to those in need and how much he desired to serve the Lord and others. We remembered how, at times, he longed for Heaven....almost like he belonged there and not here. :)
We know that Matthew would be so proud of his dad for being sober now for 15 months. He'd be so proud of his dad for going back to church. And, he would be so proud of me for waking up every morning and praying to God for opportunities to witness to the lost. See, I used to get random phone calls from Matthew and he would simply be calling to ask, "Mom, what have you done for God today?" Matthew believed that is wasn't enough to SAY you were a Christian, even if you never missed church and you read your Bible and prayed every day. He would always remind me of THE GREAT COMMISSION! He thanked God for his opportunities; he shared about some of them in his journal one day back in 2002. He wrote, "Thank you God that when I pray for increased opportunities to witness, that you are faithful to give them to me......every time!!" He could never understand why people, why self professed Christians, neglected The Great Commission, "God's marching orders", as he called them. (If you haven't ever asked God to give you opportunities to witness, try it. And, be prepared for the opportunity He puts in your path!! :)
So, today, we celebrate the day that our Matthew, our Gift from God, was loaned to us 30 years ago; we remember what all he taught us and how very special he was to so many people who knew him. And, how this senseless murder and the testimony of our faith throughout this tragedy has touched so many people's lives throughout the nation and even the world.
We praise and continually thank our amazing, wonderful God above all else and for all things in all circumstances!! Even in death......the Joy of the Lord is our strength!!
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