Is it okay to feel a little sorry for yourself sometimes?

As my husband, Mike, and I contemplate our future together we realize just how much everything has really changed since we lost our dear, sweet, Matthew.

Parents can only hope and pray that they will successfully raise loving, kind children. We hear it so often, that parenting is the hardest job on this planet and it comes with no owner's manual. It's the truth! So, as parents we do the best job we know how and if we are lucky, or, as I would rather say, blessed, then we end up with wonderful adult children that will be there to care for us when we are old and needy. That's just the way it's supposed to be. We were so blessed. Matthew was the most loving son a parent could ever hope for. We had a great relationship with him and looked so forward to the future.

But, back to my point....our discussions about our future now just aren't at all enjoyable. We seem to only come up with lists of things we need to do like change our wills, label each and every picture before we die, work on the family geneology project, pre-plan our funerals, etc. No more time spent on our hopes and dreams, plans for family vacations, holiday festivities and memory making with our son and his family. That's all gone. Our futures, the rest of our lives, were stolen from us by two black men who just wanted some stuff one night!

Sure, you say, we have our grandchildren! We need to put all of our energy into them now; enjoy life because we have them. To some extent, we do, and we will continue to have a more joyful life because of them. However, it's just not the same. There is a missing link now.

So, when someone said to me the other day that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself I really took it to heart and have thought long and hard about it. I'm sorry, but I do feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for Mike. I feel sorry for us both because for the rest of our lives we are missing out on what our future should have been.

Most importantly, we were robbed of watching Matthew live his life to the fullest, loving God, loving his parents, his wife and his two precious little babies. We will never again get to see that huge grin on his face, feel his loving embrace, hear his hilarious impressions or share in his passion for music and sharing Christ with everyone he met. And, not as important, but probably the reason I was told that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself is that we can't help but wonder who will care for us when we are old and needy? As we grow older I'm sure that will be of even more concern to us than it is now. We still think about it now. Matthew was supposed to be around for that season of our lives.....to give back all the love and care that we doled out on him during his childhood. He often would joke that he was going to put us into a home when we got old so he would never have to clean up our drool and change our diapers. Not so funny now, Matthew!!!