I've been a busy, busy girl ;)

Can't believe that my last post was in July...here it is already November!! When I last blogged, I knew that Jamie and Daniel were looking to move over to this area. As I wrote then, I prayed that God would make a way for that to happen. I missed my grandbabies so very much when they lived on the other side of the world (not really, but it seemed like it).

HUGE SHOUT OUT TO GOD. HE not only made a way for them to move 10 minutes down the road from us but we now have them with us every day while Jamie and Daniel work. We are home schooling them and just loving it!! What an amazing blessing:)

Indescribable, Amazing, GOD!!!!

If you don't ask....

Let me just begin by saying that, for the past year, I haven't complained much (haha) about my little grandbabies, and Jamie and Daniel living on the other side of the world (well, in Duncanville and Midlothian to be honest). God only knows how many prayers I've sent up asking Him to make a way for the kiddos to live closer to us.

You see, with Matthew Sr. gone, it would be very easy for Jamie and Daniel to put Mike and I on the back burner; to place little priority on our relationship with Matthew's kiddos. We could easily be little more than strangers to our own grankids. It happens all the time; I can't imagine. But, thank God it is quite the opposite. We are so very blessed that Jamie and Daniel are standing in the gap that was left when Matthew went home to be with the Lord. The kids come to spend the night with us often, they call us and send us letters in the mail :) We thank God for every minute we have with them.

But, to have our little angels up in our neck of the woods is just what I've been asking God for. And, He's answering my prayers!! Jamie and Daniel are looking for a home in the area and I couldn't be more excited for them...and for us!!

Matthew loved his family so much. I know that he would want nothing more than for his kiddos to have close relationships with his side of the family. He would want them to learn all about their heritage so that they may pass it on to their children. Litte Matthew told me the other day that when he grows up and has a son, he is going to name him Matthew Garrett Butler, Jr. :) It would actually be the III but it would make us so happy if he did that. I had to laugh when McKayla announced that she was going to name her little girl McKayla Grace Butler, Jr. LOL

My son, in his efforts to encourage me to pray for all my needs, so often told me, "Mom, if you don't ask, you won't receive. And, when you ask, you need to believe God will answer your prayers!" So, this week, I was encouraged again. Lord, I will never stop lifting my requests up to YOU and I will wait patiently for your answers!!

Psalms 62:5 My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.

Pass It On

Life is so short. Matthew always reminded me just how short. He would tell me that our lives here are just blinks in the eye of God.

So, when you take your last breath on this earth will you be remembered as a person who truly loved God and DEMONSTRATED that love to others? When you meet your Heavenly Father will He say to you, "Well done my good and faithful servant!!"

Are you living your life to please God? Do you invest time pursuing a relationship with your Abba Father by reading your Bible, praying, praising God, etc? Do you spend any time at all sharing Jesus with others and helping others on their journey through life?

OR, instead, do you spend your life in pursuit of money and material stuff that will only provide you with a temporary happiness?

It's easy to do. We are so bombarded with messages that make us think we HAVE TO HAVE the latest and greatest whatever to be really happy! But, when I'm tempted to live selfishly, I simply have to remember all of stories people have shared with me about Matthew in the last couple of years.

I knew my son loved God. I knew he loved people. But, I am blown away by the stories I continually hear about Matthew. Stories of how he gave away his last $5.00 to someone because they needed gas, stories of how he bought a total stranger lunch at the deli in downtown Garland and told them that he just wanted to bless them, and how he picked up a homeless man and brought him home to live with him and his family. Then there are the stories from the people he regulary visited in downtown Garland. One Garland businessman recently told me that whenever Matthew would stop in to visit the conversation would inevitably turn to Jesus and what the Lord was doing in Matthew's life at that time. I love hearing the stories. It only proves that God was so real to Matthew. He was alive and working in Matthew's life.

Matthew truly DEMONSTRATED his love for Jesus....especially the last several years of his life. I watched Matthew grow leaps and bounds spiritually as a result of the time he spent reading his Bible, praying, and worshipping God.

But, one of the most important changes in Matthew's life the last few years was that he began to realize the importance of having Godly mentors in his life. These men cared enough to invest their time in Matthew's life and to help him on his journey. They knew the importance of demonstrating their love to others. I thank God everyday for them!!!

I encourage you today to make a difference in this world; in the lives of others! Let people see Jesus through you. Demonstrate the love of God to the world! Pass it on!!

Finder's Keeper's

Little Matthew, McKayla and I were having dinner one night last week at Salis Pizza near our house. The owner knew my Matthew from the time he was a kid and I wanted to show off Matthew's beautiful kids.

As we were leaving, McKayla found a cheap little dolly hat in front of the restaurant. I didn't think a thing about it when she asked me if she could have it. I didn't think anyone would come looking for it. We put it in my purse.

When we got home, she asked me to get it out of my purse. Little Matthew immediately says, "Ummmmmmmm...you shouldn't take things Ninaw." I told him that it was on the ground and I didn't know who it belonged to. "Somebody, I don't know who, lost it and I'm sure they won't be looking for it." He insisted that it was wrong that I allowed McKayla to take that dolly hat. I said, "Matthew, I guess you are right. Ninaw just thought since we found it on the floor and nobody was around it was ok. I didn't think about someone coming back to get it." He gives me this look like he was so very disappointed in me and McKayla. Then he tells me, "Ninaw, the Bible says taking things is wrong. The Bible does not say FINDER's KEEPER's, LOSER's WEEPER's!!!!"

Yep, he's just 4 years old!! I told him he was right and that I would take it to the restaurant and leave it there in the lost and found, if they had one. I haven't taken it back yet, but I am going to this week. :)

I have been feeling really guilty ever since that day last week. I've been thinking a lot about how my little granson felt the need to tell me what the Bible says about what I did. He is something else!!!

And, he's 100% right! It doesn't matter that I thought the dolly hat was cheap and of no real value. It wasn't ours to take. It could have been some little girl's only dolly hat. Her mommy and daddy or grandma and grandpa may have come back for it that night, only to be told that nobody had turned in a dolly hat.

*sigh* I should be ashamed of myself. I'm taking that dolly hat to Salis first thing tomorrow!

Two years now

Saturday, June 19, 2010 marked the two year anniversary of our precious son's murder. During the past two years, I have often wondered if the pain would really get any better. Everyone assures me that it does get better. Well, it hasn't yet, and I don't believe it ever will until Demarius Cummings gets his just punishment!!

The hole in my heart scabbed over a bit during the first year. The punishment of James Broadnax in August of 2009 helped. But, for the past two years, everytime I think about Demarius Cummings, the other killer, not being tried for killing my son and Steve, someone might as well be scratching that scab right off of my wounded heart.

For me, healing the incredibly painful wound in my heart can not possibly begin until justice is served for Demarius Cummings. Cummings has to be tried and punished for his part in the evil, senseless and heartless acts of violence that night. Broadnax and Cummings took a huge piece of my heart on June 19, 2008.

My amazing son, Matthew, who was so very passionate about life, loving God and loving and helping others, ceased to exist on this earth that night. My sweet, precious little guy, whom I gave birth to and cared for all of his life, took his last breath about 1am while bleeding to death on the hard concrete parking lot in front of his recording studio...the studio he dreamed about for most of his adult life. The dreams he had...shattered. His sweet wife and their two little babies...vanished from his eyes. The family that he loved so much...separated from. Because TWO, not ONE, scum of the earth, low-life thieves decided that killing two wonderful men, men of God, men who cared enough to even stop and talk to them, was their only solution to obtaining a "ride" back to their rat hole apartment in the Junction in East Dallas.

As Cummings said during his jailhouse interview, "...I didn't know he was gonna' shoot 'em; You nahemsane....well, I take that back...I tole him he might has to pop 'em a few times...". It was THEIR grand plan to steal Steve's car by asking Steve for a cigarette to distract him. They BOTH planned to shoot Steve and Matthew a few times, at close range, so they could get the car keys and steal their wallets. Broadnax just took it a little farther when he continued shooting them so that he could, as he said during his jailhouse interview, "....make sure dey was dead.." But, Cummings PLANNED to rob and shoot both Matthew and Steve. Cummings is just as guilty. You may be asking why Cummings is still sitting in our Dallas County Jail, two years after the murders, having visitors, watching TV, enjoying his commissary items, playing basketball, getting phone calls, etc! Good question!!


Maybe Craig Watkins could answer that question since he's the one that told us the DAs office didn't have the money to take this murdering thief to trial. Maybe he could give us a good answer...that is, IF we could get him, or anyone else in the Dallas County DAs office to return our phone calls or our email.

I'm waiting patiently for my wounded heart to heal a bit more. Broadnax, although he is on death row, still exists...for now. But, at least I know he will never get out of jail to hurt anyone else. I feel a peace about that. Cummings will most likely NOT ever be given the death penalty if/when he does face trial. But, that's for a jury to decide. We should have the right to insist on a jury trial for Cummings. It is very disturbing to me that he has yet to be tried and punished. It's been TWO YEARS NOW!!! Could he possibly be one of the violent offenders that Mr. Watkins chooses to grant early release to one day in the future? Maybe...it could happen!! Craig Watkins has no problem granting early release to violent criminals to reduce overcrowding in our jails. And, that scares me.

By the way, Cummings is not the gentle, innocent boy that he portrayed himself to be during his jailhouse interview. He had been in trouble before; been violent before. Remember, it was his idea to, "...take the train to Garland to rob some rich, white folks...." that night. He planned for his cousin to do his dirty work though so he could say, "...I want folks to know I didn't kill anyone..."

Well, TO HELL WITH YOU, DEMARIUS CUMMINGS!!! I am 100% sure that Matthew and Steve would be alive today had you not made your suggestion to your idiot cousin (as you walked away from Matthew and Steve that night), "....it's a long damn walk home to the Junction...this could be our chance to get us a ride....you might has to pop 'em a few times...." I SAY, TO HELL WITH YOU, CUMMINGS!!! Okay, if not hell, then you need to be given life in prison without the possibility of parole....EVER!!!!

I ask you, when will Demarius Cummings get his punishment, Mr. Watkins? I would like to finally be able to know what it feels like to "GET BETTER".

Mother's Day 2010 *sigh*

For weeks now, I've been dreading this coming Sunday, Mother's Day. I guess the loss of Matthew was too new last year, on Mother's Day, for me to really FEEL the emptiness I'm feeling now. I was still in the shock stage of grief.

I'm a mother to no one now. Well, I will always be known as "Matthew's mother"; I get that. However, there is no one left in this world that will ever hug me and tell me "I love you MOM!!", or give me a card wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day". And, that sucks!! It sucks to even go to the grocery store and walk past the card aisle. It sucks to turn on the TV and hear all the ads for Mother's Day sales, Mother's Day flowers bouquets, etc.

You know, I was told, after Matthew died, that the second year after a death of a loved one, especially a child, is more difficult to get through than the first year. I know exactly what that means now. The reality is hitting hard that this is what life will be for the rest of my life. That sucks too!!

Remember, always, that your children are a gift from God and DO NOT EVER take them for granted. Spend lots and lots of time with them. Smother them with affection. Life is so short and many times....just downright unfair. It is a nightmare to have your child die before you. That's just not the way it's supposed to happen. But, we will never know the future. So, hang on tight to your kiddos and shower them with all the love you have to give. Love them just as God loves you!!

Please remember to say a special prayer this Mother's Day for all the great moms who have lost children. There are many, many moms who will be spending some time this special Mother's Day sobbing and clinging tightly to an urn filled with the ashes of their precious child or standing and weeping over their only son's grave. Yep....it pretty much sucks that I'll be one of them.

Another "Christ Incidence"

My son, Matthew, and I were very close. He was the sweetest little boy a mother could hope for. Matthew was friendly, personable, generous and always thought of others first...even when he was very young.

I remember one day, I guess Matthew was about 9 years old, when his best friend's mom called and asked if she could stop by. She said she needed to talk to me about something Matthew had done. Not the kind of phone call a mother wants to get. Of course, I immediately thought Matthew had hurt her son, or broke one of his toys or something. After all, Matthew was a normal little guy and far from perfect. The ten minutes it took her to get to my house seemed more like an hour. I was giving Matthew the third degree trying to find out what he had possibly done to her little boy. Matthew was a nervous wreck. So was I!!

As she walked up the walkway to the front porch, I noticed a familiar bag in her hand. It was an ammo bag from my husband's Civil War collection. Oh no, I thought, Matthew gave this little boy his dad's old civil war ammunition?? Why would he do that??

I answered the door and invited my friend to have a seat in the living room. Matthew was in his room with the door tightly closed. I am sure that he peeked out the window as she walked up the walkway and he knew exactly what this little meeting was about.

Earlier that day, Matthew's friend had taken the bag to his mom to show her what Matthew had given "them". You see, her husband had just left her and she lost her job. She was struggling financially and her son had shared some of their struggles with my son. In the bag....rolls of quarters, taken from our closet; $50.00 worth of quarters. Not much. I didn't know what to say. It was a very uncomfortable situation. How could I take that money back from her? But, how could I offer it to her without offending her?

I remember, so clearly, the anger I felt upon finding out that Matthew had stolen from us. But, that feeling quickly diminished. He was wrong to take that money without asking us first but how could I be so angry with him for being so generous and compassionate and wanting to help his friend's family?

Matthew was a bit spoiled. I admit it. He was used to having his needs and many of his "wants" met. But, I believe that when a child grows up seeing generousity, he will become more generous. Matthew had such a loving and giving heart!! He often gave his toys away. However, this was the first time he had ever given something away that didn't belong to him. I knew that I had to deal with that.

Matthew's little friend's mom thought the gesture was so sweet and asked that I not be too hard on Matthew. She shared a little bit of her struggles with me and I told her she was more than welcome to keep the money. She refused. Her parents were sending her some money, she said.

The minute the front door closed Matthew's bedroom door slowly opened. I will never forget the look on his face as he walked down the hallway toward the living room. He was scared but was ready to admit what he had done. We sat down on the sofa and I gave him a hug. I told him how wrong it was to take something that wasn't yours to take. We talked about trust. We talked about forgiveness. Matthew said he was sorry but he was much more concerned with his friend's mom's situation. He asked why I didn't give her any money to help her. He was genuinely concerned about this family. Although it wasn't a good thing that he took the quarters from us, I was actually very thankful for this situation. That day, I saw, in my little boy, the most compassionate and generous soul.

I never had to have another talk with Matthew about trust. He never took anything from us again without asking. Even as a teenager, he never helped himself to money in my wallet or money that was sitting around the house. Matthew did, however, continue to get pretty much anything he wanted. But, as spoiled as he might have been, until the day he died, he would so often give away his "stuff" because he wanted to make others happy; bring joy to their lives and put smiles on their faces. During the last few years of his life, he gave so much of his time and of the little money that he had to those in need.

After Matthew's death, I heard from one of his friends that Matthew gave him the last $10.00 in his wallet so he could get some gas to make it home from the studio one night. And, just the other day, a complete stranger walked up to me in the Home Depot parking lot and told me that he used to work for Matthew and how Matthew gave, so generously, of his time to help him get started in the music business. Matthew had given him an internship at the studio months before he was murdered. He was going to teach him all that he knew about audio engineering. This young man told me that Matthew was the kindest, most generous guy he had ever met in his life. He also told me that what he loved the most about my son was that you didn't have to talk to him for long to know how much he loved Jesus. I thanked him so much for taking the time to share his feelings about my son with me.

Nothing makes me more proud than when I hear these stories, even years after Matthew's death; stories of Matthew's generousity, his kindness and concern for others. I am a very proud mom. I drove away from Home Depot with a smile on my face and a thankful heart for another one of these "Christ Incidences".

Almost 2 years...running my race...

The 19th of this month, 22 months ago, my sweet son, Matthew Garrett Butler, Sr. and his friend, Steve Swan were murdered during a random robbery as they left Matthew's recording studio. The killers, who were captured in Texarkana a couple of days later, said they rode the train to Garland to rob some rich white folks. They got $2.00 from Steve's wallet and stole his very old car. The police knocked on our door around 2:30am; they believe the boys were shot around 12:30am. Our lives forever changed that morning. Never did I think that anything could hurt so much. Each and every day my heart breaks for my son and his little family. His two babies, Matthew Jr. and McKayla, don't really remember much about their daddy Matthew. They were only 2 and 1/2 and 1 and 1/2 when he was killed. They do surprise me sometimes when they say things, out of the blue, about him. They are the joys of our lives now. Nothing will ever replace our son, our only child, but having these two little angels in our lives definitely makes life easier to bear.

People continue to ask me how I get out of bed every morning. They say that they can't imagine losing a child. They think that they would not be able to continue on with life. Many days I don't feel like getting up and continuing on with my life but I know that I have to. I know that God has a plan for my life and that Matthew would not want me to stop running the race that God has set before me. I have been knocked down but not defeated. I will never stop running!!

The last few years of Matthew's life, often when we talked, he would ask me, "Mom, what have you done for God today?" Since he's been gone, I ask myself that question each and every night before I close my eyes. Not to boast; only to be aware that I am here on this earth for a reason. I'm not here to make myself happy, gather up a bunch of material stuff, be a good person, etc. I'm here to be a witness...to demonstrate to others what being a follower of Christ really is and to lead others to Christ.

Matthew did just that. He lived for eternity. He made a difference in this world. He was a bold witness for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. So many people have reached out to me through email, Facebook, myspace, etc. They tell me how Matthew made an impact on their life. It's difficult to accept that God's plan was for Matthew to live only 28 and 1/2 years but I know that it's true. God knew exactly that Matthew would come home to be with him that morning. He knew it way before Matthew was born. It's hard to understand but I believe it.

For weeks before Matthew was killed, every morning, Jamie told me that he read Psalms 23 to her. Sometimes he would say it in his own words; sometimes he would cry when he read it. He wrote a long list to Jamie...a list of "to-do's"; a how to live your life list, just a few weeks before he died. The day that he was killed, earlier that evening, he told Jamie that he was ready to go home to be with the Lord; that this life was tough and he missed his Oma and Opa.

People ask me if I thought that Matthew knew he was going to die that morning. No, I don't think so. I think that Matthew knew his time on this earth was short. He said that many times. It was like his heart longed for eternity the last few years of his life. He grew so close to his Heavenly Father and I think he just longed to be with Him. He loved Jesus and was such an example to everyone who knew him.

Mike and I count our blessings every day that we got to have Matthew for 28 and 1/2 years. We hear, all the time, about little children who never got a chance to live their lives. Just the other day, a 6 year old little boy was found dead near Lake Lavon. Nobody even reported him missing and I don't think anyone has claimed him yet. You don't have to surf the cable channels for very long to see crime TV shows about little children who are missing and believed to be dead; murdered. So, although Matthew died very young, he was able to live a good life. He was living his dream...the studio, a wife, two precious little ones and a faith so strong that he couldn't stand to keep it to himself. He wanted everyone he met to know this Jesus that changed his life and made it possible for him to live for eternity. Sharing the Gospel was his passion!

Yes, my life will never be the same because of the two creeps who decided they would make a trip to Garland to rob some rich white folks on June 19, 2008. No, it's not fair and I still cry every day; I still wonder why God would have allowed this to happen. I still get mad at God sometimes, but I know He understands. After all, He had to watch His son suffer tremendously and die a horrible death. But, oh, for a great reason!!!

One day, because of Christ Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, I will see my son again. I'll step from this earth into eternity with my Heavenly Father, my mom and dad, other loved ones that have gone before me and my beautiful, precious, loving son. What a day of rejoicing that will be!!!!

**Sigh** Health Care Bill passes for now

Come on!!! Give me a break!!!

There is absolutely no way we will ever be able to pay for Obamacare...NO WAY. Most Americans didn't want THIS bill to pass. It's no longer WE THE PEOPLE....it's OBAMA THE ARROGANT LEADER (nothing to do with color or political party) and what he wants, he bribes and pressures until he gets his way!! (Millions to LA for a changed vote, Fed Judge appointment promised for a "yes" vote, etc) We should have scrapped this bill and started over a long time ago. But, no, Pelosi encouraged Obama to keep pressing forward.

So, Medicare is already a disaster and Obama's health care bill will only add millions more (people) to the program. Medicare Advantage will cease to exist.

Taxes will absolutely have to go up to pay for Obamacare and, YES, federally funded abortion is still part of this bill. An Exec Order doesn't/can't change a law.

This is socialism folks!!!! And, we're opening up the front door and inviting it in!!! No suprises here. All you have to do is check out Obama's ties to Socialism: http://www.gopusa.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46726'
I've talked to so many people who wish that they could take their vote back!! It's evident by his approval rating; although in the last couple of days they have gone up a bit.

Don't worry too much about this Healthcare fiasco though....if you are one of the millions of Americans who did not want THIS bill to pass. Many state's Attorney Generals are planning to bring suit against the Fed Gov't so this isn't over yet!! http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5g0LSHNfmnWDnZ_JylqiFxeT5GKEQD9EGLNDO0

And, :) while I'm at it.....if you want to make a big...huge difference, help get Speaker Pelosi fired!! http://www.firenancypelosi.com/ Rep National Committee Chairman Steele has called for us to send a message to Obama that we are "....done with their partisan, liberal agenda and government takeovers. It's time that they start growing the economy and creating jobs!!!"

Let your voice be heard!!! Or, you can sit calmly by and let the Fed Government take over every economic sector in this country and destroy it like everything else they have had control of!! Since Obama took office 30% of the nation's economy is now under the control of the Fed Gov't. Add to it Healthcare, the percentage goes to 48%. Financial services another 15%. Add to it cap and trade, if it passes (HR 4173), and...the Fed Gov't would then have control of 65 to 70% of our economy. All in less than 18 months.

Now, does that sound like the United States of America, our democracy that we all know and love??

I don't care who the president is, what color he is, what party he belongs to, his religion, etc. I don't even care if he still wants to blame Bush for everything that's messed up now. I don't care that Pelosi is a snobby millionaire. I don't care that she happens to be the most left winged speaker in history.

What does concern me is that we have a president in office and a speaker of the house that both want it THEIR WAY.....despite what the people of this country want. Obama is not fulfilling his job, Pelosi is not doing her job....which, last time I checked...is to work for US....to lead the country and the house of this DEMOCRATIC nation!!!!! To do what WE THE PEOPLE want and what WE THE PEOPLE think is best for our country.

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2010/03/21/jon-kraushar-obama-health-care-reform-democrats-pass-win-lose/

Okay, I'm done ranting. Thank God for my freedom of speech...I still have that right, right?? At least for now!!!

Marriage is forever.......

All around us there are couples who have given up on their marriages. Just in my circle of family and friends I know of five right now. You may be reading this and you or your spouse have decided to throw in the towel. The divorce rate in North Texas is now a staggering 54%! Nobody wins in divorce...it's a sad, sad situation. I'm not saying that all marriages could be saved but I'm sure that a big percentage of that 54% could be. No doubt, it takes hard work but it starts with a WILLINGNESS TO ENDURE because it's the right thing to do according to God.

God's intent for marriage was a union for a lifetime; for eternity. Just as Christ came to show us how to love we are to love others as we are loved. Jesus went all the way, enduring the cross for us. He demonstrated such an incredible love in dying for us.

No two people are going to agree or get along 100% of the time; sometimes it seems impossible to agree even 50% of the time. But when we put God first, our spouse before ourselves and genuinly put our selfishness aside we can, with God's help, make our seemingly hopeless marriages work.

In Genesis 1, God creates man in His own image. God blessed man and woman (uniting them) and He told them, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over every other creature.” God ordained marriage! When the Pharisees ask Jesus whether it is lawful for a man to divorce his wife they thought that He may speak against God's law. Instead, Jesus reiterated God's law and said what God joins together, no man can separate. God's intention for us is to remain married...that's it.

If we put God first and set aside our selfish desires, the 60 hour weeks at work, the hunger for more stuff and more money, the drinking and drugs, the flirting and indiscriminate sexual relationships, etc., I truly believe we would see the high divorce rates all over our country decrease.

Many times an issue that is causing division in our marriage is really within us. We divorce and then take it from one marriage right into the next one. Other times we just can't imagine being able to forgive or forget a hurt caused by our spouse. However, we don't pray and ask God to help us to overcome it. We just want to handle it our way. We may get advice from worldly counselors instead of ever seeking God's truth and will for our marriage.

I've been in a horrible marriage. It wasn't fun and at times it was a nightmare. But, I trusted God with my marriage and He healed it, in His time. My son would tell his dad after he moved out, "Dad, you know divorce is wrong and that's not what God wants you to do." When my husband came home months later Matthew told him, "Dad, I'm so proud of you. You did the right thing! You did the honorable thing! Sometimes we have to do what is right even though the feelings aren't there." (Matthew was a wise young man :) God has truly restored and abundantly blessed our marriage.

This March we will celebrate our 31st Wedding Anniversary. I can only say that for us we did the right thing and I only hope that if you are reading this and contemplating divorce that you will think long and hard about it. Give your situation to God, pray, seek Christian counsel, put your selfish desires aside and your spouse first. Ask God to change your heart; your spouse's heart. He will! He is an amazing God. All He needs is a willing heart!! He can and will heal and bless your marriage with the most incredibly satisfying, enduring and forever love!

I Corinthians 13 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1-800-WHO-RYOU

I remember when my mom and I went into her bank after my daddy died and the president of the branch came over to give her a hug and tell her how sorry he was for her loss. He took us into his office and handled everything himself. He provided personal service with kindness and compassion. You would have thought she had hundreds of thousands of dollars in his bank. He approved a signature loan for her and didn't even check her credit!!! The year was 1988.

So, what has happened in the last 20 or so years?

We've been members of a local bank for many years and I go inside the branch to handle all of my transactions but I guarantee you that nobody knows my name. I don't know their names either. It seems like everytime I go to this branch there is someone new taking my money. And, I've never seen the branch president or vice president. I don't even know who the manager is.

The other day I wanted to get some information about a home equity loan. I was told that the branches no longer handle loans of any kind. I was given a toll free number to call. I called. After entering my account number and stating my name, zip code, etc, I entered 3 for loan services. I was connected to Sara. Sara proceeded to tell me that I had the wrong department and that I would need to call back and enter the correct number for loan services. I was sure that I entered it correctly the first time. And, of course, she was unable to connect me back to the voice response system. So, I called again. Went through the same rigamarole and, this time, I never made it to a live person. I was disconnected. I gave up.

I wondered where the call center was located; Texas, Montana, India?? For sure, I knew that if I had ever been successful in getting through to loan services they wouldn't know my name. They wouldn't care about how good of a customer we've been for the past 10 years. They wouldn't know, nor would they care, about the tragic loss of our son or about my recent job loss. They wouldn't know me and I wouldn't know them.

I'm not sure exactly when this lack of personal service started but I don't like it at all. I want to sit down with someone face to face to discuss our financial situation and our current needs. Someone who is familiar with our accounts and our good credit history would be ideal. I want them to know I'm more than just a bank account number or a credit score. I want them to be able to provide all the services we need, from a money order to a loan, right there in our branch. Is that just asking too much? Seriously, do they even have a branch manager, vice president or president on the premises? I'm going to ask next time I'm there.

In the meantime, while I sulk, I'll be searching for an old fashioned bank to give our business to. One with a personable, friendly and consistent staff and a manager whom we can shake hands with; maybe even hug one day when we get to know each other better. I know there has to be a bank like this somewhere out there. Hopefully closer than the small nearby towns like Lavon or Blue Ridge, 30 minutes away from our house. That would be a pain!

Trusting God with everything!

Do you find yourself praying for God's intervention in a situation and then you later take back from Him the very thing you asked Him to handle for you? I struggle with this at times. But, I'm so thankful that God continues to prove Himself over and over again to me in this area. He never loses His patience with me but lovingly reminds me of His power time and time again.

My dad was never in Alcoholics Anonymous but for some reason he loved that serenity prayer that is recited at every AA meeting. When he was sick and dying with brain cancer he would say it.....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I think there is more to it than that but that's all daddy ever used to say. He was facing death but I had never seen him so strong. The doctors told him there was nothing else that could be done. He made his peace with God and a few of his loved ones here on earth and that was that. He trusted God. He wasn't stressing out looking for another doctor, a clinical trial or some other new drug. He just seemed okay with dying. I couldn't believe it.

I remember asking him why he wasn't afraid. He told me that he had been through war, in battle, and, after seeing that, nothing was scary to him. I don't know when daddy was ever in a real battle. He was stationed in North Africa at the end of WWII and he was a photographer. At least he was never in the trenches, on the front line. That's what I pictured when he told me he had been through war. Daddy was quite the joker!! But, it was obvious to me that he wasn't scared to die, no matter what he thought had prepared him for it.

That year, 1988, I witnessed exactly what it meant to trust God with everything. My daddy loved my mom, his kids and his grandkids. This was not what he expected...to die at age 64. I'm sure that he thought he would live into his 70s, for sure, maybe 80s. He wasn't mad at God. He remained positive about his treatment until the day he began to slip into a coma, two days after Christmas.

I was 31 years old and spent much of my time that year by his side. I was fortunate enough to be able to quit my job to help my mom take care of him and give her a break when she needed one. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. Seeing the strong faith of my mom throughout my dad's terminal illness really impressed me. I knew that if my mom and dad could deal with this tragedy without falling completely apart, I could handle anything.

In 1997 I watched my sweet, loving mom fight gall bladder cancer. It was horrible. She suffered much more than daddy did. Gall bladder, or any type of intestinal cancer, is extremely painful. Yet, through it all, mom stayed faithful. She was more vocal about her faith in God than daddy was. I remember one day she said to me, "Theresa, promise me, when I get too weak to lift my hands to praise the Lord, that you will lift them for me." I'll never forget that. How she loved her Lord.

Both mom and daddy fought their cancer; doing what the doctors said to do. I know that they prayed to God for guidance and they always put their lives in God's hands. When the time came and they knew there was nothing left to do, they had a peace about things that only comes from giving it all to God; trusting Him with it all!

During the past 19 months as I've dealt with Matthew's murder, I've so often thought of my mom and dad and the resolve they had about their circumstances. They knew that almighty God was totally in control. It wasn't ever an "Okay, I give up, God" thing (after trying over and over again to handle things; change things) but a PRO-ACTIVE "I give it all to you, God" thing. I've learned that there is a huge difference.

Trusting God means giving your problems to Him BEFORE you tire yourself out trying to handle them yourself. That's the important part of TRUSTING Him. Trusting that HE can and will handle your "stuff" for you. Trusting Him also means that we don't take it back once we've given it to Him. That we don't fret or worry about the "stuff" He's handling for us.

What a valuable lesson I learned from my parents about trusting God in every situation in life. Through every trial and every difficult circumstance in my life, I know for certain that God is in control. I can trust Him with everything!

A life that mattered

For most of my life I have been a Christian. I was baptized as a baby in the Catholic Church, had my first Holy Communion at age 7 and was confirmed in the faith at age 12. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I had my first Holy Communion. I took it very seriously. When I was studying for my confirmation I remember wanting to be a saint; just like Saint Bernadette, my patron saint. For years, I referred to myself as a "...soldier in the army of Christ...". That's what the Bishop told us during our confirmation service and it really stuck with me. I was so dedicated and serious about serving the Lord at such an early age.

At that time in my life, my mother was very involved with the "De Colores" movement in the Catholic Church. It was during the late 60s. All I knew then was that these people were super excited about Jesus and sharing their faith with everyone they met. I remember feeling so energized when I would hear my mom and her friends talking about their plans to further the kingdom of God. I remember how much I loved Jesus and wanted to be involved with whatever was going on in De Colores. Mom would take me with her knocking on doors; spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We never missed confession, Mass, the stations of the cross, etc. I was a good little Catholic girl! Later on, when I was in the 8th grade, I attended a Catholic school in Monteceito, CA. It was then that I decided I was going to be a nun. There was no doubt in my mind that this was God's will for my life. My PE teacher, Sister Mary Frances, was the coolest nun on the planet. She played guitar, rode a bicycle (just like the Flying Nun :) and played sports better than anyone I knew. Most importantly, she loved Jesus! She reminded me of the De Colores people; so excited about God. I wanted to be exactly like her.

But, it wasn't long after school started that year that several boys became interested in me; very cute boys too!! One of the cutest boys in the entire school, Phillip, asked me to go to the Christmas Dance with him. I went and we started "going steady" during the Spring Semester. Soon, although our relationship was very innocent, my focus on the Lord, my faith, and my desire to be a nun diminished. Sister Mary Frances talked to me about the change she noticed in me. Yes, my life had changed. Boys ruled!!! For the rest of my school years and early college years, my life revolved around BOYS!!! God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit...all whom I knew so intimately just years earlier, were the farthest thing from my mind. I was not at all living my life the way that God desired me to live it.

After my husband and I married we would attend church sometimes. My husband was raised Baptist so we went to the Baptist Church. I always thought that going to church was important. We just never got very involved. I could "talk the talk" pretty good for being raised a Catholic and never reading the Bible....but my heart and soul hadn't longed for the Lord in a long, long time. Not like when I was a young girl. I have to say that for most of my adult life my priorities were all wrong. Oh, there were times that I drew closer to God. Like when my parents were terminally ill, when Matthew would get into trouble or when he got very sick, when we lost jobs, or had marital trouble, etc. But, I never allowed HIM to stay around for very long. He was my God ONLY when it was convenient for me. You see, I never trusted Him enough to help me through my life, tough times and all. I was a control freak; always wanting to fix everything myself....my way and my timing.

Between '99 and '04, as my son dealt with the serious symptoms of Bi-Polar illness, I noticed that he began studying his Bible more and more. He was developing a close walk with God. He was totally and completely depending on God to get him through this illness. Matthew would tell me that when he was so sick and unable to think straight that he was always able to remember scripture verses that he had memorized earlier in his life. He told me once that the verse my mother always repeated to me and the one that I shared with Matthew all through his life, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.", got him through many of the particularly difficult times when he would have to be hospitalized. Matthew's focus had changed. God had 1st place in his life.

I soon began to realize that Matthew had that same intimacy with God that I once had. I could see the change. I was jealous. And, I remember wanting so much to have that feeling back. I saw Matthew endure some of the most difficult times in his life as he fought the crazy symptoms of Bi-Polar. It was so hard to see my only child suffering as he did. But, Matthew always had a positive attitude and a strength that could only come from God. He was an overcomer! He prayed and BELIEVED that God would heal him of this horrible illness and use him in a mighty way to further His Kingdom. He would always tell me the problem I had was that when I prayed, I didn't believe!! :) Matthew loved his Lord with all his heart, mind, soul and strength. He loved others as himself. Matthew just "GOT IT"!! He was so fortunate to have that close relationship with God, that intimacy with his Heavenly Father, for so many years before his death. I thank God for that!

Matthew would often call me, during his last year on this earth, and ask me, "Mom, what have you done for God today?" I rarely had a good answer for him. I may have invited someone at work to come to church with me or maybe I encouraged someone who was having trouble that day. But, I never really did much to further the Kingdom of God. Matthew would always encourage me to do better. For the last several years of his life Matthew LIVED FOR ETERNITY. The minute he opened his eyes every morning he committed his day to God and he would ask God to put people in his life that needed to hear about Jesus. He was never shy. If you knew Matthew, you know how he never met a stranger. He put others needs before his own. He loved Jesus! I wanted to be more like him.

So, long before Matthew was killed I was determined that my life would change. I prayed and asked God to forgive me for turning my back on Him and not putting Him first in my life. I let go of everything I was trying to control in my life. I began to STUDY my Bible. Yes, study, not just read it like I had always done before. Although I've always been considered unselfish and thoughtful of others, I began to purposely think of things that I could do for others. I wanted to live my life like I saw my son live his! I wanted that intimate relationship with God that I let go of a very long time ago. I prayed that God would keep that fire, that buring desire, within me to draw close to Him. I knew that He would.

The truth of the matter is that God never left me. His heart broke over and over again when I tried for so long to live my life without giving Him the place He so deserved. God promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us. Isaiah 42:16 says, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

Matthew knew that his walk with God and his witness made a difference in my life. He knew that it made a difference in his dad's life as well. Several months before Matthew was killed his dad and I were able to tell him how the many talks he had with his dad on that bench in front of the studio about Jesus and "doing the right thing" had changed our lives and our futures forever. See, Mike had left me and filed for divorce in the summer of 2006. Matthew was devastated. He prayed for his dad's heart to change. He believed that God would bring his dad home and that our marriage would be reconciled. "See, Mom", Matthew told me, "God answered our prayers. I knew He would. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!" Matthew was thrilled. He didn't make it to see his best Christmas ever here on this earth. But, it was indeed Matthew's best Christmas ever. He spent it in eternity with his Heavenly Father!

I have never in my life experienced anything remotely close to the hurt and pain of losing a child. I don't know how people get through it without having God in their lives. I certainly wouldn't be able to cope with my son's death as well as I have had it not been for Matthew's example and encouragement. The minute we got the news of Matthew's death I felt that amazing peace; a comfort that is truly unexplainable. It felt as if God was wrapping His loving arms around me and assuring me that everything was going to be okay. I love God so much for that! He is amazing!

Every day, for the rest of my life, I thank God for sharing Matthew with us for those short 28 and 1/2years. I'm so thankful that I learned so much from my son. Matthew showed me once again what it meant to have an intimate relationship with God; with our FATHER in Heaven. Matthew made a difference in many lives. His life truly mattered!!

A new year

Today, I was reading all the well wishes and prayers posted on line; Prayers and wishes for prosperity, blessings, good luck, etc. in the new year.

Seriously, if you are reading this....you are soooo blessed already!! Every one of us who read these messages for prosperity and blessings have a roof over our heads and money to pay our utilities to keep us warm. We have a warm, cozy bed to sleep in every night. We more than likely have a car and money for gas and upkeep on that car. We have good food to put in our bellies every day. We have families, loved ones, friends who love us and care for us.

Do we really need to hope and pray for MORE??; more blessings, more money, more of anything???

This year, I pray that we may each wake up every morning thanking God for all the blessings that He has given us and, more importantly, that we share our faith in God and our many, many blessings with others in need.

Happy New Year!!!!

Listen and amazing things will happen

People ask me how I can just talk to strangers like I do. I have always been an outgoing and friendly person, I guess. I don't think I've ever met a stranger in my entire life.

But, since my son's murder in June of '08, I have been a little more guarded. I don't trust people like I used to. I find it harder to strike up conversations with people that I don't know. It's different now. But.....

Something just happened last week while I was at the food counter at Costco trying to gather up enough change to pay for my $1.50 hot dog and soda. I was blessed by a couple of strangers!

It all started when this young man, about 11 years old, had ordered his churros, saw that I was digging for change to pay for my order and said to me, "Ma'am, I have some money if you need some. I'll have about $3.00 left after I pay for my order." I replied, "Oh, I have plenty of money, really. I just want to use up my change because my purse gets too heavy. But, that was sweet for you to offer to help me."

I'll have to admit, I was quite embarrassed that this little guy thought that I didn't have enough money to pay for my food. As we both stood there waiting for our order I began to think about how my son would have done the very same thing. Matthew would give away his last $1.00 if someone needed it. Many times Matthew would ask me for money and I would find out later he needed it because he had given a homeless person or someone with a car load of kids next to him at the gas station his last few dollars. I could tell that this little guy had the same generous heart as my son.

I started to talk to him while we were waiting. It's always fun to talk to little kids but these days you have to be careful. Kids are so brainwashed about "strangers". (Hmmm...I wonder if the next generation will even know how to be personable and friendly to people...everyone is a stranger!! But, he seemed to be a friendly kid and obviously had no fear of strangers.)

So, we talked about how old he was and what grade he was in. I reiterated to him how very sweet he was to offer to give me money to pay for my food. Then I asked him, Moses was his name, if he went to church. He said, "Yes, we go to Firewheel Church". We talked about church for a while. Matthew, Jamie, the kids and I had visited Firewheel Church a couple of times so I told him I liked his church. I told him how my son had a kind, generous heart and he reminded me of Matthew. I told him that my son went to be with Jesus last year and that he was only 28. He looked sad and told me he was sorry!

We got our food and said our goodbye's and that was that. Or, so I thought!!!

I stopped at the customer service counter to ask a question about an item that was on sale and Moses and his mom came over and stood beside me. She needed to ask a question too. Whew, I was glad that she wasn't coming up to me to tell me off for sharing about Matthew with her son. But, when we talked, it was quite the opposite. She told me how very sorry she was about my son.

We talked for a minute at the counter. I told her that I had visited her church and I liked it but that we were going to First Baptist Dallas, where my son was a member before he died. She was a very nice lady but I sensed some hurt and pain in her voice. I could just tell that her spirit was sad. I didn't know why. But, I walked away after our brief conversation thinking that I would pray for her and her son, Moses. Moses reminded me so much of Matthew with his kind and generous spirit!!!

I didn't even get to the edge of the loading zone before I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to share a little bit of my story with this woman. And, although I was in a huge hurry, I turned around and told her that I needed to tell her something!! I shared the story about Matthew calling me one night several months before he was murdered; asking me to give him a ride home from the studio. He did not have the car and the kids were asleep so he didn't want Jamie to have to wake them up, load them in the car to go pick him up. I wasn't happy about having to do this; I was just getting ready to hop into bed. But, what Matthew shared with me that night as we sat in the car in the dark parking lot in front of the studio, I will never forget. As I was scolding Matthew for waiting outside in the dark at midnight he was reassuring me that he would be okay and that I shouldn't worry about him. He told me that he wasn't a kid and, in actuality, he never was really our kid...he was God's child and God just LOANED him to his dad and me!! Matthew told me that I need to let go of him; he was, after all, 28 years old with a family and a business of his own. He leaned over to give me a hug and told me to always remember that if anything ever happened to him, he would just be back in his Heavenly Father's arms...the best place to be!!!

As the tears flowed down this sweet woman's face, she began to share with me about her two daughters, both under 21, and her 16 year old son, who were all walking down the path of destruction. They were drinking, partying, leaving home for days at a time, being so very disrespectful and abusive to her, etc. She was so worried about them and so very heartbroken. I told her that I could most certainly relate. I shared some of Matthew's struggles with her and told her to let go of them, give her children to God (they were HIS after all) and to pray for them! Above all, I told her, do not worry about them. Worrying does not change anything. God can and will change their paths!! HE IS AMAZING!!!

You see, Matthew struggled through some of these very same things as a teenager and even into his early adult years. Matthew was always very impulsive and a risk taker when he was younger. He had been diagnosed with ADD when he was 8 years old. By the time he was in the 10th grade he had given up on school. He was staying home working on a home school program but that never worked out for him. He was not self disciplined enough or driven enough to get the work done. He went back to school in the spring semester of the 10th grade. A private school in Dallas for kids with learning differences. He loved it. However, he got involved with some wealthy kids who had the money and the access to drugs; cocaine, marijuana, acid, etc. And, unbeknownst to us, Matthew began using cocaine. His moods were unstable but we believed this to be symptoms of his ADD. Looking back.....well, hindsight is 20/20!!

Matthew was involved in the music program at his school and played John Travolta in "Greasin' Up The 50s" and sang several other solos in programs throughout the years. He loved to sing! He struggled through school with his mood swings; fighting against the effects of the drugs he was putting into his system. He made it through and graduated in '99. I believe, had it not been for this school, his involvement in music and, especially, his music teacher, that he would have continued down that very same road to destruction that this woman's kids were now on.

Sorry, enough about Matthew. Let me get back to my story!!

Wiping the tears from her face, this woman told me how much she appreciated me taking the time to tell her my story. I encouraged her to give her children to God, pray for them and try as hard as she could to not worry about them. I told her that she was not going to be able to change them but that God could and would. I stressed to her that she should be firm with them; enforce strict house rules and let them know that things would be changing and the rules would be followed in her home. She told me how tough that was to do. Boy, did I ever know how true that statement was!! But, I told her she had to do it for her kids sake. She agreed.

As we said goodbye and shared our information so that we could keep in contact, she told me that I would never know how much she really needed to hear what I had to say!! She said she was so sorry for my loss but that I had encouraged her so much with my story; what Matthew shared with me that night in the very same parking spot where he would later take his last breath on this earth!! Well, what she didn't realize was, that night, Moses was an angel sent from Heaven above to bless me; to warm my heart!! I had been missing Matthew so much that day!!

I know that God uses me!! He uses and will continue to use my stories and my ability to strike up conversations with complete strangers to bless and encourage others!! But, it's me who is so often blessed beyond belief whenever a "Christ-incidence" like this one happens in my life.

I want to encourage everyone to stop and listen to that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit of God, share your story, your faith and the love of Jesus with someone when you know the time is right. Our God is alive!!! He cares!! He puts people directly in our paths for a reason. So, listen...be friendly...be bold.....and prepare to be blessed!!!

I will never leave you or forsake you

From my myspace.com blog 10/24/2009:

When you lose your only child in a tragic, random, senseless murder, you can't help but wonder where God was and why He wasn't protecting your child. After all, Matthew's safety is what I prayed for all of his life...even before he was born. I always thought that God gave us the desires of our hearts, and when we prayed, believed and asked Him for those desires, He would give them to us.....because He put them there in the first place. Or, so was taught. I've wondered about this since Matthew was murdered last June.I believed that if I lifted Matthew, and all my loved ones, up to God and prayed for their safety that God would protect them. I've wondered why I should even bother to pray for my loved ones if there is already a plan for their life and God knows the future anyway. I've wondered why God brought Matthew through so much and protected him from so much to just suddenly allow this tragedy to happen. I've been told that God had a purpose for Matthew's untimely death. I've wondered about that too.I don't think that God allowed Matthew's death so that John Doe would be saved. Why would God take the joy of this life away from Matthew. He did nothing to deserve this. Matthew loved God; he loved Jamie and his two little babies. He loved his family. He loved his friends. He was working to build God's kingdom by sharing the Gospel with everyone he met. Why would God allow Matthew to die when He could have protected him from harm that night? He is God, for heaven's sake....He could have saved Matthew's life so that Matthew could have enjoyed being a father, serving the Lord, loving his family and friends, sharing the Gospel with the lost, growing old together with Jamie, etc, etc, etc!!!! So....I've spent a good portion of the last 16 months wondering about all of this and I can't figure any of it out. I've prayed and asked God for answers....He hasn't told me why. I have no answers. I will never know why Matthew's life ended at the young age of 28. I will never know if God had some bigger reason for allowing Matthew's life to end that night. However.... Some things I do know for certain....God loved Matthew, God was there when he took his last breath on this earth and it must have saddened Him. I know that God loves me, AND...He is still right here beside me, walking with me each and every day, strengthening me when I am weak and offering me comfort and peace from this chaos. And, I've decided that that's all I need now....peace and comfort!!! What I've been doing is trying to lean on my own understanding. So, I give up and put all the wondering to rest!! I give it to God every morning when I wake up. I trust in the Lord with my whole heart, soul and mind and believe His promise that He has never left me and will never forsake me. When I let go and let God...I feel His presence; the peace and comfort that only He provides. He is truly an amazing and wonderous God!!!

Last Words

The last time I spoke to my son, it was about 6pm on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008. He was murdered about 12:30am the next morning, on Thursday, June 19, 2008.

That Wednesday evening, on my way home from work, I called just to see how Matthew, Jamie and the kiddos were doing. (We used to talk several times a day.) Matthew said he was tired and a little down but that he would get through it. I told him I understood; I sort of felt the same way. He said he was playing in the floor with his "kiddos", as he lovingly referred to them. He told me a little about his afternoon...that he met with the pastor of First Baptist Dallas. He was very excited about giving his time to ministry work at the church. He spoke so highly of the pastor; he thought it was great that the pastor of a church with 13,000 members would take time to visit with him.

He told me that Steve and him were going to meet at the studio that night to finish mastering the symphony orchestra recording that they had just recorded on Father's Day weekend. I could tell that his voice changed as he spoke about his plans for the night. He loved his work. He was living his dream! We hung up but right before we said goodbye Matthew encouraged me and we told each other "I love you". It's just what we always did.

Never in a million years did I think that would be the last time I spoke to Matthew.

Today, as I drove up Central Expressway after taking our grandbabies, Matthew Jr. and McKayla, home to Duncanville a big, huge SUV pulled over into my lane. We both were going about 60mph. Thankfully, the driver did not pull over quickly so I had a split second to check out the next lane and swerve over. Thank God a car was not in that lane. I know this all sounds like it was not that big of a deal but, trust me, it was. He was only a couple of feet in front of me in the next lane when he pulled over. Had I not been paying close attention, I wouldn't have seen him and he, for sure, didn't see me so it could have been a horrible accident. My heart has never raced so fast; my entire body was shaking. In 36 years of driving I've never had anything so frightening happen to me. I thought I was going to have to pull over. I could have been killed; gone in an instant.

For most of the remainder of my trip home all I could think about was my last conversation with Matthew the night before he died. I thought about my conversation with my hubby, Mike, earlier that morning as he was leaving for work. And, then, I recalled a conversation I had about "last conversations" with someone just last week.

I was telling this very opinionated person, who shall remain anonymous, how important I think it is to always be mindful that your conversation with your loved one could be your last. I was sharing why I believe it's so important to always say "I love you" and to never, ever be angry when your conversation ends.

The response I got was, "Oh, come on, you know that that is just unreasonable!! You can't go through your life thinking every time you talk to your loved one it may be your last time. They know that you love them anyway...you shouldn't always have to tell them you love them. And, people just argue and fight. You're not always going to get along." I tried to understand this point of view. But, I didn't agree then and, today....I have to say....that I couldn't disagree more.

Words may not matter to you; you may think that it's impossible to always get along; you too may think I'm being unreasonable. You may not think that it's important to consider that your conversation with your loved one just may be your last one, well.....you are certainly entitled to your opinion.

But, as for Mike and I... our lives changed forever when we lost Matthew. Since Matthew's death, we simply no longer sweat the small stuff. We absolutely get along great now. 1 Corinthians 13:4 is paramount in our lives now. We never part without a kiss, a hug and an "I love you". In fact, those were our last words to each other this morning as Mike left for work. Words that, I know, would have always been lovingly remembered by Mike as our last words to each other had my life ended today. This very scary, could have been fatal accident, reinforces why I believe what I believe and why I do what I do. It's important to love, to get along, to NOT sweat the small stuff, to live today like it's your last day, to never depart angry or let the sun go down while you're angry, to kiss more, to hug more and to always, always say the words, "I love you". It's just what we do now.

1 Corinthians 13:4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

The tough valleys of life

It seems like I have spent a great majority of my adult life wondering around the valleys of life...sometimes they were very dark valleys; sometimes just hazy and dim. A few times I have made it to the mountaintop but I've never enjoyed a lengthy stay. I would soon lose my footing, falling back down to the valley, or I would be knocked off of the mountain by some wild and forceful wind....impossible to stand against.

I am not complaining. I appreciate the valleys, for, as a Christian, it is during my stay in the valleys that my faith is strengthened the most. I fall to my knees and call out to God like no other time. In fact, my faith in God would not be at all what it is today had it not been for those falls. Sometimes, my sin alone caused me to fall off the magnificent mountaintop, back into those lonely, dark and desolate valleys. Most of the time, however, the falls were by no fault of mine. Life is just tough and I've had a darn good handout of tough!

During this past year I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life. Of course, nothing else has affected me like the murder of my only son, Matthew, last year. It has forever changed me. I have spent the last 17 months in an extremely lonely valley. It's not pretty nor has it been comfortable. It's been the toughest time in my life. But, my heavenly Father has always been right here beside me, strengthening me and guiding me through those dark, incredibly tough times. My faith is stronger now than ever before. I feel a closeness with God that I do not have the words to describe. I now know exactly how Matthew felt when he so passionately and lovingly sang the song, "I am a friend of God". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7ydC6hYbAw&feature=related
Matthew experienced many a valley in the short 28 years of his life here on earth. But, he loved God more than anything else, he knew that God cared for him and he knew that his God called him friend.

The mountaintop may seem to be the place to be. It's much more beautiful up there. And, after all, it's so much higher, so it must be closer to the heavens; closer to God. Well, it's not. I've enjoyed my stays on top of that mountain. It's definitely a easier and simpler life up there. But, I can't thank God enough for the valleys. They may be tough but I wouldn't trade my stays in the valleys for anything!!!

Joy, peace and strength that only come from the Lord

Today, we went to Matthew's grave and, as expected, it was a much more intense and emotional time than all the other visits we've made during the past (almost) year and a half. Matthew would have just turned 30 years old today. I still can't believe that he's gone; much less that he's been gone for more than a year now.

We make the 7 hour round-trip drive to Plain Dealing, LA almost every other weekend. We stand over his grave, holding each other as we talk to Matthew, shed many, many tears and sometimes we share with each other very special memories of our sweet, sweet son.

Today, we couldn't speak; the tears wouldn't quit. It seemed as if our initial hurt and grief surfaced all over again. Anger was welling up inside of us. Matthew didn't deserve to die. He was a kind and gentle, loving soul. He would have given the shirt off his back to anyone in need. It's just not right. How could this have happened to him, to Jamie and the kids, to us? Not our Matthew!!! We'll never stop asking why!!!

I quietly cried out to God for that peace that passes all understanding. We need that peace!!! Matthew wouldn't want us to be hurting so much; to be in so much pain. Mike said, "We have to remember that we had Matthew for 28 and 1/2 years. He had a good life. What 26 year old young man do you know that is living his dreams? He had a business, a great wife, and those two beautiful children that brought him so much joy. He was so proud of them." Matthew was a great daddy and he just adored his "kiddos" as he lovingly referred to them. Oh, he struggled at times in his life but he never stopped loving the Lord and throughout his trials, he drew closer and closer to God; his faith grew so strong. He was an overcomer!

As our tears subsided and we wiped away the remaining teardrops on our cheeks, we began to talk about how special Matthew was to us and how blessed we were to have him for those 28 short years. We began to sense that incredible, quiet, still peace that only comes from God!! We smiled as we continued to talk about how much Matthew taught us and how much our lives have changed since his death; changed for the better! We remembered how he always gave so unselfishly to those in need and how much he desired to serve the Lord and others. We remembered how, at times, he longed for Heaven....almost like he belonged there and not here. :)

We know that Matthew would be so proud of his dad for being sober now for 15 months. He'd be so proud of his dad for going back to church. And, he would be so proud of me for waking up every morning and praying to God for opportunities to witness to the lost. See, I used to get random phone calls from Matthew and he would simply be calling to ask, "Mom, what have you done for God today?" Matthew believed that is wasn't enough to SAY you were a Christian, even if you never missed church and you read your Bible and prayed every day. He would always remind me of THE GREAT COMMISSION! He thanked God for his opportunities; he shared about some of them in his journal one day back in 2002. He wrote, "Thank you God that when I pray for increased opportunities to witness, that you are faithful to give them to me......every time!!" He could never understand why people, why self professed Christians, neglected The Great Commission, "God's marching orders", as he called them. (If you haven't ever asked God to give you opportunities to witness, try it. And, be prepared for the opportunity He puts in your path!! :)

So, today, we celebrate the day that our Matthew, our Gift from God, was loaned to us 30 years ago; we remember what all he taught us and how very special he was to so many people who knew him. And, how this senseless murder and the testimony of our faith throughout this tragedy has touched so many people's lives throughout the nation and even the world.

We praise and continually thank our amazing, wonderful God above all else and for all things in all circumstances!! Even in death......the Joy of the Lord is our strength!!

Is it okay to feel a little sorry for yourself sometimes?

As my husband, Mike, and I contemplate our future together we realize just how much everything has really changed since we lost our dear, sweet, Matthew.

Parents can only hope and pray that they will successfully raise loving, kind children. We hear it so often, that parenting is the hardest job on this planet and it comes with no owner's manual. It's the truth! So, as parents we do the best job we know how and if we are lucky, or, as I would rather say, blessed, then we end up with wonderful adult children that will be there to care for us when we are old and needy. That's just the way it's supposed to be. We were so blessed. Matthew was the most loving son a parent could ever hope for. We had a great relationship with him and looked so forward to the future.

But, back to my point....our discussions about our future now just aren't at all enjoyable. We seem to only come up with lists of things we need to do like change our wills, label each and every picture before we die, work on the family geneology project, pre-plan our funerals, etc. No more time spent on our hopes and dreams, plans for family vacations, holiday festivities and memory making with our son and his family. That's all gone. Our futures, the rest of our lives, were stolen from us by two black men who just wanted some stuff one night!

Sure, you say, we have our grandchildren! We need to put all of our energy into them now; enjoy life because we have them. To some extent, we do, and we will continue to have a more joyful life because of them. However, it's just not the same. There is a missing link now.

So, when someone said to me the other day that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself I really took it to heart and have thought long and hard about it. I'm sorry, but I do feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for Mike. I feel sorry for us both because for the rest of our lives we are missing out on what our future should have been.

Most importantly, we were robbed of watching Matthew live his life to the fullest, loving God, loving his parents, his wife and his two precious little babies. We will never again get to see that huge grin on his face, feel his loving embrace, hear his hilarious impressions or share in his passion for music and sharing Christ with everyone he met. And, not as important, but probably the reason I was told that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself is that we can't help but wonder who will care for us when we are old and needy? As we grow older I'm sure that will be of even more concern to us than it is now. We still think about it now. Matthew was supposed to be around for that season of our lives.....to give back all the love and care that we doled out on him during his childhood. He often would joke that he was going to put us into a home when we got old so he would never have to clean up our drool and change our diapers. Not so funny now, Matthew!!!